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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Barratt_Teacher on 2023-09-10 22:44:52.
Original Title: AITA? Wife and I don’t agree on parenting our 18yo daughter. We made agreements for years, my wife said now she is 18, agreements don’t apply. She doesn’t think it’s a big deal. For me, it’s a huge deal.
AITH? 3 kids, 18, 12 and 9. Oldest is our daughter. My wife and I had a cordial conversation to compomise on what we felt was fair (and we could afford and support) as our daughter turned 18. Together we both agreed our daughter would have the following otions:
a) live at home and work and contribute to bills.
b) attend our local community college. Live at home, try to do a very small job to pay for car and gas.
c) Attend a out of further away college, meaning you choose to leave home, we will support as best we can.
Additional non negotiable was: please learn to drive. We would give them use of a car if they drive. The car part was something we have said to all our kids for years. We need you to drive (it’s California :)
My step-daughter turns 18. Didn’t work over the summer. Didn’t do any driving lessons. Chose a community college, but not our local one (with public transport options). The one she picked is a 30 mile round trip and 40 minute drive away. Her reason was that she doesn’t like to walk, and our local community college’s campus is on a hill, so her feet would hurt and she didn’t feel she could walk down the hill and back to the bus stop (about a five minute walk). She picked a further away community college (same program) because it was flat and her feet wouldn’t hurt walking between classes. Wife said this was okay, and we would figure out public transport options, and sometimes we may be able to give her rides. I didn’t agree, and encouraged her to take the local and easy option (15 mins, one bus) vs tricky option (45 min car journey or 90 mins by several buses). I said you have to be able to do some walking in life. Wife said to back off, not to give daughter a complex about obesity and walking phobia. I agreed, as long as we worked hard on learning to drive. This was April. Mom then said around June, let her have the summer off. Don’t pressure her to drive, it will work itself out. Originally, Mom had told daughter she must work at Trader Joes and do driving school over summer. She allowed her not to take job and to stay home all summer to make home made paper and teach herself sushi making.
Fast forward to now: She is attending community college part time. Mon- Wed: 9:30am-12pm, Thu: 12-2:00pm.
After quitting job, my wife said the plan had changed now daughter was starting school. Daughter will not be expected to do a part time job. She can learn to drive at her own pace. My wife quit her job a few weeks before daughter started community college, so she now drives daughter to and from college each day. My daughter has a flexible schedule, so texts Mom whenever she needs a ride back. Daughter and my wife now spend every moment of every day together, every night 7 days a week watching TV together. My wife and I pay for all my daughters bills and needs.
I asked my wife for a conversation, try to be objective. I asked why she wanted to change our agreements. She said she was worried she would lose daughter, and that she knows best. She also said that we will pay for all student loans for her until she is 20 and living expenses. I said this was past what I am comfortable with and that I feared that when she enters phase two of her college plan, we can’t afford the $40K fees. Wife said to stop worrying, it will work itself out.
I told my wife that I am very upset at how she has reneged on our long standing agreements for our three kids around driving and our plan we made this year on norms for our kids when they turn 18. I feel super worried about money and I admitted to feeling overwhelmed that my daughter now is always home, and can’t do things like walk. I said it feels like a breakdown in trust in our marriage and also I feel we are denying my stepdaughter learning responsibility but also her getting her own life. Daughter doesn’t leave house, have any friends. Wife said I have two options. Back off completely, and not be involved as a parent anymore for stepdaughter, or I can move on with my life.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t want to throw away 10 years of marriage, and being my stepdaughter’s father for 10 years (her own Dad moved 200 miles away to other side of state. AITH for not being flexible now my daughter is 18? AITH for telling my wife I lost my trust in her because she is doing this?