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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/otadak on 2023-09-10 23:26:16.

TW: CSA, emotional abuse

i was in an extremely toxic relationship in my late teens/early twenties for a little over 3 years. i remember when my ex first messaged me online, i told him i had never had a boyfriend before and was quite inexperienced, to which he replied that he would be “honored” to have the chance to be “my first”.

i was completely lovebombed in the beginning. i often said to myself “this feels too good to be true”. i was showered with gifts and affection. i experienced all of the hallmark signs of lovebombing except i was too naive to recognize it. i was made to feel like i was the most important person in the world. he said he was “in love” with me after dating for 3 weeks. he said he had “never felt this way about anyone before” and i believed him. he also had a very high libido and pressured me to move very quickly sexually. when we would be intimate (which was often coerced), he would ask to look at old pictures of me when i was a teenager so he could “finish”. this was obviously a MAJOR red flag but i was too naive to notice.

over time he became extremely emotionally volatile and would constantly ask me for reassurance. i found myself walking on eggshells, unsure of what might trigger a depressive episode. i became extremely depressed and anxious myself and would have panic attacks almost every day.

the first incident involved me finding random facebook pictures of teenage girls on his ipad. i was confused and he explained that this ipad was from “years ago” and these pictures were from when he was that age and wanted to jerk off to pictures of girls “his own age”. he promised me and i believed him.

the second incident was when i was using his laptop for something and came across a hidden folder called “jb”. inside there was an archive of random pictures of teenage girls again (fully clothed). i was confused and disgusted. i impulsively deleted everything off his computer. when i confronted him about it, he confessed that he was into something called “jailbait” and that these were pictures of girls he would jerk off to. i was horrified, but at the same time, nothing he had done was illegal because they were all pictures that were not pornographic in nature (they were not sexually suggestive and they were wearing clothes). to anyone who at this point is saying i should have called the police — i spoke to a police officer at the time, and he told me there was nothing that could be done about it since they were pictures from facebook. he said this is an unfortunate loophole.

my ex was hysterical and begging me not to leave him. he said i now “knew his secret” and threatened to “kill himself” if i “told anyone or if i left him because of this”. he promised he would “get help” and never look at jb again.

he eventually broke up with/discarded me on my birthday after i found him looking up teenage girls on instagram and confronted him. he claims he broke up with me because he “fell out of love with me”. over the years, i’ve come to realize the reason he broke it off was because keeping me around meant he had to confront his problems. he wanted his “secret” back. he didn’t want me around to make him feel guilty. one month after he broke up with me, he quickly moved on to date a girl who was an 18 year-old virgin but looked like an actual child. he was living out his sick fantasy. they eventually broke up after one year, and she messaged me on facebook apologizing “for ever believing the horrible things he said about [me].” she said he liked that she was inexperienced and a virgin and he took advantage of that. it was as if he copied and pasted the experience that i had and did the same with her. she told me that he would often keep tabs on my social media profiles and would complain about how “happy” i looked with my current boyfriend.

it was so isolating being with him. i felt so alone, and i still do. i am currently in a happy, healthy relationship and have been for the last 6 years, but for some reason i just can’t shake what this relationship did to me. i’m not sure what i’m trying to get from posting this other than maybe some words of comfort to feel less alone?