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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Muted-Kitten0124 on 2023-09-10 00:50:28.
I (43F) have an autistic daughter (7F) who has severe autism, adhd, and epilepsy. My ex (42M) used to live near me and my daughters - (17F, 12F, and 7F). The visitational schedule allowed him to see the girls, although they lived with me. Before the divorce, he was not involved in anything regarding the kids and usually just came home from work and played Xbox or watched tv - part of the reason we aren’t together anymore. He moved 7 hours away in August of 2022 and has been to see the girls three times since moving for just a weekend each time. He doesn’t call or text the girls at all, and didn’t sent them Christmas or birthday presents.
We are going through a custody battle now as he wants custody of our youngest. She is basically nonverbal, and attends ABA every weekday. It has made a huge difference in understanding autism and how to help when we have communication issues and tantrums. Routine is key to her and she gets upset and aggressive when it’s upset. Missing just a day isn’t recommended, unless it’s absolutely necessary - illness or emergency. She doesn’t do well in the car and hates new places/people she doesn’t know. She gets scared and has an increase in behaviors (hitting herself or others, tantrums/meltdowns, screaming, banging head, and trying to run away). I have talked with her therapists and doctors and they agree that a 7 hour trip isn’t good for her and missing ABA that long could be detrimental to her growing and learning. There’s also the fact it causes regression and extreme behaviors. I feel like I can’t take that chance.
My ex has suddenly been asking to have her visit him for two weeks where he lives and I’ve explained it all to him, but he says I am “alienating” the kids from him. I’ve offered to let him come here and keep her as long as he wants - taking her to ABA daily, but he said no. He has talked to her therapists about it all and said he can have ABA set up for her there. I’ve checked with the therapy, and neither they nor insurance allow ABA in two locations - even if it’s paid out of pocket. I text him a few days ago explaining that and saying that if he didn’t want to be in the same town as me, he could get the girls and take them an hour and a half away for the weekend. He again refused, claiming I don’t care about her and I’m keeping him from her. He said he only wants visitation where he lives.
Side note: My oldest use to have a good relationship with him until she was about 12. She tried to spend time with him after the separation/divorce, but stopped as he constantly told her that she is going to hell because of her beliefs and identity. She can’t talk to him about herself or friends without repercussions. My middle child refuses to see him as she sees how he treats her sister and he’s said some harsh things to her too.
So, am I the asshole for not letting my autistic daughter visit her dad?