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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/SabbyOfSableWine on 2023-09-07 22:10:20.
I won’t go into much detail for the sake of anonymity, but I met this guy some years ago and I thought we were friends. Then he started flirting, and I actually considered dating him at first. But he quickly went from flirting to just downright creepy and gross, and because of the circumstances at the time, I saw him frequently and there was no avoiding him. I went from trying not to hurt his feelings by sidestepping the issue, to outright telling him “dude, I’m not interested.”
That didn’t stop him. He’d follow me, he’d touch me, he’d try to hug me so he could feel my breasts, he talked about how much he liked how “tiny” I was (which was scary because he was much stronger than me), he asked for pics, etc etc. It was this awful limbo where he never did anything explicit enough for me to report him and get anything done about it, and plus, with our circumstances, I would still have to see him. Constantly. And if I were to report him, I knew it would just make him angry. And not only did he know where I lived, he had access to my building and my information because of his job. You put the pieces together.
I will admit that there were times when I should’ve been more assertive. But I did speak up multiple times, and I told him I don’t like you, I will not sleep with you, I will not date you, I will not send you pictures. He’d get all huffy and upset and honestly, it was nervewracking.
Anyway. We finally went our separate ways and I cut contact with him, although I’m constantly nervous he’ll show up again. A couple of years have passed since I’ve seen him, and recently he sent me a letter basically saying he misses me, he knows he hurt me, etc etc. It was such a weird non-apology, where he seems to admit that he hurt me, but he never actually said “I’m sorry” anywhere in that letter. It also felt like a guilt trip, like he was trying to play on my emotions so I would feel bad and reach out to him. He mostly only talked about how miserable he was, rather than focusing on the fact that I’m the one he sexually harassed for years.
And the worst part is that the soft-hearted part of me wants to reach out because I want to believe he’s sincere and I want to believe he’s changed and I want to be nice to him.
But the self preservation part of me knows that he’s probably full of shit and this is just another tactic to try to get in my pants, and I better not respond and encourage him or he might show up on my doorstep in the dead of night.
I just don’t even know what to feel right now. I’m not sure what I do feel. Hurt, maybe? Writing all this out makes me want to cry, but I’m not sure what kind of tears they are. I’m scared, for sure. I’m scared he’ll try to find me, I’m scared he’ll try to rape me or otherwise hurt me. I’m keeping his letter just in case, but I know reporting it won’t do jack shit because technically there’s no threat in the letter and no hard evidence of him trying to hurt me, so I’d probably get laughed out of the police station.
I realize this became a rant, and I’m sorry. I was sexually assaulted when I was a teenager by someone who I thought I could trust, so I think this whole situation has opened old wounds. I’m going to talk to my therapist about all this for sure, but I just had to get my thoughts out of my head, and maybe connect with anyone who’s gone through something similar.