This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/SoftwareAntique2651 on 2023-09-07 18:27:21.

… but here me out plz… When we aren’t sexually active, at all for months at a time, I have a really hard time keeping my insecurities at bay on a day like today when I open his phone in the morning (not looking for anything other than his alarm app to give him 20min more of sleeping) to find Reddit open to his last search page of naked women that have significantly larger T&As than I do… knowing then that when he crawled into bed all cuddly last night, which made me feel so good at the time, he had just been in our bathroom admiring other women… and I guess where my mind goes is, “why doesn’t he want to come to bed and fk me instead?”… To me, the new style of “porn” that is less scrolling videos of other ppl fkng and is now more like just endless scrolling thru POVs of a gorgeous woman pretending like she’s interacting with you as if she’s your gf/wife sexting you or something… idk, it just doesn’t feel a lot different than if he were getting naked videos sent to him from a person in our own life, where it would obviously be seen as not okay… I know it’s not the same, but it’s like my brain is having a hard time processing and allowing me to feel that there’s any difference… does that make sense? Maybe not. My body responds differently when I’ve opened his phone to just see regular porn videos left up, and I even watch porn myself when I’m doin my biz alone, but its not just 1-on-1’s of big buff dudes pretending like they are interacting with me, and I also try to initiate sex when we are together. When I open it to just see endless scrolling of that 1 on 1 style pov, it feels like it could just as easily be someone in his texts sending him personal vids to him directly, which would obviously not be okay. Like I said, my brain can’t compute and it feels bad… idk how to cope.

I literally TRY to be inspired to be hotter by what he watches, but it ends up being a rollercoaster of feeling inadequate and telling myself I’m sexy the way i am and not believing myself. I know I’m “hot”, but I don’t feel as hot as most the women he’s looking at on Reddit, and especially lately… I used to be a small D cup, my butt was nice and round, but I let life and injuries get in my way, fell out of my healthy fitness habits, lost too much weight, and struggling to get it back, so I often feel like he’s not as attracted to me as he used to be. He would say otherwise cuz he’s the sweetest man, but I feel like actions speak louder than words.

I love him more than anything and I’m a freak in the bedroom who just wants to fulfill her husbands every freaky desire, if he would just let me.

We have had a lot of traumatic events and induced stress over the last handful of years and it’s really bad now, he lost his job and I’m trying to get a small business going from our pockets. His stress is higher than ever and his health probably at its worst. He’s lost a lot of weight and has become nocturnal over the last 6-8mos, unintentionally. I worry about both our health so much every day. I know it’s a loop, the more I worry the worse it gets, and I feel like I’ve been managing okay, but feeling particularly sad and lost today… Not even sure what I’m looking for by posting this, I just love him so much and I want to be his center of attention sometimes… I mean, I want it all the time, but I’d settle for sometimes. I’m so attracted to him and I miss having seggs… it’s the least of our problems right now honestly, but a problem that’s been going on for a long time that’s clouding my vision today.

Please be nice in the comments, I’ve been teary eyed typing this, and I don’t usually post online because of how unnecessarily mean ppl often are. If you read this whole thing you deserve a reward I cannot give you, other than a real thank you for letting me vent when I have no one to talk to. <3