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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Grouchy_Ad5965 on 2023-09-07 14:18:16.
My (33f) husband (38m) flipped out on the kids last night. I was helping with flossing my daughter (10f) teeth to make sure she’s doing it well. I thought she was doing good with brushing and flossing. I noticed a cavity in one of her molars. I was really bummed because I thought we were doing great with our oral hygiene. Turns out we have a dentist appointment next week. My husband was going to take the kids to it as we alternate taking time off of work to bring the three kids to their various check ups.
Well upon finding out about her cavity he flips out, tells her it’s her fault, that she will have to pay for the dentist visit since she “obviously doesn’t care about her teeth”. She starts crying, she’s upset for having a cavity, upset about his reaction. Husband states he is embarrassed to take her to the dentist. Then he also states that she should have to pay for her own braces, and that there is no point in putting them on if her teeth are going to just rot out. So I chime in that I will reschedule their appointment to the next week so I can take time off to bring them.
This is where he says I am TA:
Our daughter is not biologically his. He came into her life when she was a year old. We’re married with two more kids. I was so mad about how he was talking to her and treating her like she should be grown when she is only 10. Her dental hygiene and everything else is OUR responsibility. So a cavity falls on both myself and him because I feel that I should have monitored her better to make sure she was doing a good job brushing etc. So i took him in the other room and told him she was MY daughter and I will decide that she gets braces. Of course this hurt his feelings and he lashed out at me saying he won’t do anything for her if that’s the case since he’s raised her most of her life etc. I think at some point he called me a dumbass for assuming that he would “actually not take her to get braces” and that he was just saying that.
He pisses me off to the point where I will say something cruel. I knew that saying that would piss him off but it seemed like the only leverage I had at the time. I have a feeling that ESH. But what I said was in private and everything he said was in front of the 10 yo.
Edit: Am I the asshole for what I said to my husband in private, or is he the asshole for what he said to our daughter ?
Edit2: a lot of people seem to think I’m allowing his behavior and raising children in an abusive environment. Obviously hard to explain that he’s great 99% of the time, involved dad, I’m not making excuses for his behavior either. This was a bad night and I’m stewing from it. I’ve talked ti my daughter about his behavior, talked to him about his behavior. He knows I’m pissed. I’m considering my options right now.