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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Ok_Let6699 on 2023-09-07 11:56:06.

I’m (24F) getting married next year, and have started the process of organising my bridal party. I chose two of my cousins (both female) and my best friends (also female) to be my bridesmaids. I didn’t ask my sibling (26NB) and now they’re hurt and lashing out at me.

The reason why I didn’t ask them is that my sibling and I have a pretty complex history when it comes to gender.

My sibling, prior to coming out as NB, was incredibly misogynistic. They hated all things feminine, only had male friends and would go out of their way to mock me for doing anything that was within what society would call the traditional female gender role (e.g. baking, make up, wearing a dress etc.). I recognise now that it wasn’t about me, it was them expressing their dissatisfaction with their own biological sex by lashing out, but it was incredibly hurtful for me growing up. They always treated me like I was an inferior person for “submitting to my own oppression”.

They never apologised, but after coming out as NB in our 20s, they’ve calmed down on being outright hostile about feminine things, and we get along now. But I do walk on eggshells around them (avoiding fight-triggering topics) and keep them on an information diet about my life.

Given our history, when planning my bridal party came around, I figured it was obvious that I wouldn’t ask them. I didn’t want to handle drama with them over every “patriarchal” tradition, and also all my other bridesmaids were women, so I could already foresee the potential “you’re not respecting my gender by asking me to partake in this feminine ritualised manifestation of patriarchal expectations”.

Well, it turned out they were actually hoping to be my bridesmaid and patch things up with me? And now they’re upset that I never asked them, I just assumed they’d be mad if I asked them. Honestly, I feel really fucking confused and disorientated because every other experience I had with them indicated they’d be offended if I asked them.

So, am I the asshole for assuming they’d say no and not asking my sibling?