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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Green-pineapple82 on 2023-09-07 03:41:11.

I (45F) and my husband (46M) have been together for 21 years and married for 15 years. We have a handful of beautiful children and for the most part have a very happy marriage and life together. We are about to move into our dream home, it has enough space for all of us to have our own bedrooms and I have asked that my husband and I move into separate bedrooms when we move there. My husband is very offended by this request but the thing is my husband is a snorer. A terrible terrible snorer. He also has sleep apnoea and I just do not get any sleep. It is so loud I honestly don’t think I can go on like this anymore I’m so tired it’s been decades. I’ve tried ear plugs I’ve bought a headband with music playing headphones. He’s even had surgery to try and fix it. But the nights I sleep the best are the nights he works and it’s a huge noticeable difference when he’s back.

I don’t want to upset him I just feel so much happier and healthier and less stressed when I get a good nights sleep and those nights are the nights when he’s not in the bed.

I don’t want to upset him but I really really want my own space. He thinks this is me taking the first step of leaving him but it is genuinely me wanting regular consistent sleep patterns.

So AITA? Do married people really need to share a bed?

EDIT: just to answer a couple of questions:

  1. He is in the process of sleep studies for the sleep apnoea. He previously had a polyp removal which helped for a short period of time and then a full UPPP surgery that also helped for a period of time. It tends to revert back though so we are now exploring possible revision of the polyps and getting sleep studies done for sleep apnoea. He has had sleep studies done in the past but those said he didn’t have sleep apnoea so we went down surgical routes. But I’m certain he has it so we are exploring that now again. Living fairly remotely means that getting in to see doctors and specialists takes time. He can’t see an ENT until mid next year (it’s crazy I know!).
  2. I have definitely explained to him the reasons behind wanting separate rooms. He is also a shift worker so our sleep schedules are often very different. He gets up at 3:30am to leave some mornings and other days he’s returning home at 6am. The mornings he comes home at 6am I’m expected to vacate the bedroom when he goes to bed so I don’t disturb him as the children will often come in and out for cuddles and chats and whatnot. This is especially difficult on weekends as I do enjoy a good sleep in and the kids are old enough to let me do that. I am not a morning person so I don’t care for this option!

I hope that helps a bit!