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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/hersheykiss123 on 2023-09-05 17:14:35.
I’m living with my boyfriend, and my dad accidently slipped to my grandma that we’re living together. My parents, siblings, and I are all pretty progressive and non-religious, so all of us usually just don’t tell the grandparents about things that they wouldn’t understand and that works well for us. My boyfriend and I both think it’s important to live with someone before you get married to be sure you really know the person you’re dating and that you can get along well while living together. We both take our relationship seriously, so we decided to make that step several months ago. My parents are supportive of us and our decisions, but I feel frustration around how some of my older relatives view this type of thing. Especially my grandparents. My grandparents are very religious and they have the view that living together before marriage is living in “sin”. I’m not particularly religious at all, so it’s not something I personally care about, but I hate the fact that I’ll have to be in constant judgement from them over this.
I’m not sure if this is something that’s particular to the area that I live in (deep south USA), but I’ve noticed this is a theme with many of the girls that I’m friends with. Their parents or grandparents would be extremely judgmental of them if they lived with a guy before marriage. It’s to the point that some of them refuse to do it even though they personally think it would be a better safer option. Yet, for some reason, it seems like guys don’t have to deal with this same judgement from their relatives. Maybe it’s just coincidence, but none of the guys that are dating my friends (plus my own boyfriend), have had to deal with extreme judgement from their families for living with their girlfriends before marriage (even the ones from religious families).
So meanwhile I’m here, freaking out because my dad accidently slipped to my grandma that my boyfriend and I are living together. I know I shouldn’t care what my grandparents think and the only opinions that matter in this relationship are mine and my boyfriend’s. Realistically, I do care what they think though. I want them to have a good impression of me and my boyfriend, and I want my relatives to approve of my relationship to him. They’re my grandparents and I love them, but they can also be so judgmental and mean about these kinds of things. I’m supposed to see my grandparents this weekend during a family get together, and I’ve been racking my mind on how to best approach this. My boyfriend’s been super helpful and has been talking through different approaches to the situation with me. I can’t help but feel a little annoyed though because he’s never had to deal with this kind of judgement from his own family about living with a girl. It feels like there’s this unfair expectation on us women that we have to keep ourselves pure and separate from men before marriage, and meanwhile guys can live with anyone they want to before marriage and it’s whatever. I just know that this weekend I’m going to get chewed out by them on how they disapprove and how disappointed they are in me for making this type of decision. I’m going to be getting side-eye from my grandma until she dies now because she NEVER would have done something “scandalous” like this. I feel so frustrated about this whole thing because of how ridiculous it is. Any advice from other women that have had to deal with this type of situation would be appreciated