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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Plane_Information385 on 2023-09-04 11:21:04.
My SIL Fran, has a son who is 15. SIL is my husband’s sister. Fran and I are close. She and I have become like sisters in the years I have been married to my husband. When Fran was pregnant with her son, she and her husband disagreed on baby names. He wanted something cool and unusual and she wanted their son to have a normal name. When baby was born they agreed to the compromise of a normal name and an unusual middle name. Fran wasn’t super fond of the middle name. But felt like she’d have to compromise since her husband didn’t really love the first name. For the sake of the post we’ll say his name is Thomas Wave.
After the birth of their son, Fran ended up pregnant again and suffered a very traumatic miscarriage that put her life in danger and resulted in her being unable to conceive again. She was, understandably, devastated and left very fragile afterward. But she never sought therapy and there is a grief there that she has carried with her for many years. She grieves for the baby she lost and also for the end to her ability to have more children. She wanted three kids prior to this. She decided to enjoy having a child because she said she was lucky to have one and some can’t have any.
When my nephew started school he told friends his middle name and they started calling him that and slowly over the last decade he has been using Wave more as his name instead of Thomas. He told his parents he no longer wanted to be Thomas and was instead going to be Wave and that everyone outside of family uses it now, including teachers and friends. They were aware people called him Wave but Fran thought it was more like giving it to him as a nickname.
She was upset he decided to go by Wave over Thomas. My ILs found it ridiculous and said all she needed to do was refuse to call him Wave and tell him that he needs a real name and not something made up and as his mother she should have that right to call him by his legal name. Fran came to me to vent and talk about it where her son wouldn’t hear and be upset. She said it broke her heart to have him reject the name she had chosen for him and to know she had never liked the name he has chosen to use in his everyday life. She felt like a bad mom and a failure and even though it was dumb she was heartbroken (her words). She told me she couldn’t understand why she felt so bad. I gently suggested that it might not be so much about the name, but some unprocessed grief over her miscarriage and inability to have more children and the fact her only child didn’t like the name she had chosen. I said even if it is the name therapy could be helpful. She agreed with me and said she owed it to her son at the very least.
My ILs are not happy I suggested her to attend therapy. They said this is over a dumb name their son in-law gave their grandson as a middle name and Fran needs to take her advice and things will be fine. They said I was blowing things way out of proportion and acting like she had no right to be upset. AITA?