This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/SiaSara on 2023-09-03 05:53:58.
I’ve noticed a pattern: whenever I try to talk to my boyfriend about something that’s bothered me, he’ll ignore what I’m trying to communicate and instead take issue with “the way I brought it up”.
To clarify, I’m not a shouter and I hate confrontation - especially with him. Even if I set out to have a reasonable conversation about something that’s bothering me, he will always escalate it into an argument. In the 8 years we’ve been together I’d estimate that I’ve shouted at him under 5 times in the middle of a bad argument. He however, shouts every single time we disagree about something.
Today, I tried to bring up something that bothered me. It centred around me feeling like he doesn’t consider my feelings when he does certain things. Instead of responding to what I was actually saying, he went on to call me a nag and kept talking about my “tone”. I can’t remember exactly how I said it but I was calm and lying in bed? I’m 100% sure I didn’t shout. But he kept going on and on about my tone and I’ve now realised that this is a pattern.
I’ll muster up the courage to talk about something that bothers me in a calm, rational way. I’ll be crying by the end of the conversation because he’ll go around and around in circles until the main reason for the conversation is forgotten and I’m in a haze of confusion.
This time, when he brought up my tone, I said “I’m sorry if you felt my tone was off but [original point]”. I kept focused and stayed on point. This happened around 12 hours ago and he’s giving me the silent treatment and is sat downstairs. I feel like he’s trying to teach me that this is what happens if I try to bring up issues that bother me.
Feeling drained and sad and hoping for some support or advice.
Sorry if this was a big ramble and a mess but this felt like a safe space to talk about this.
BTW I’m 31 and he’s 39. We’ve been together since I was 22 and he was 30.
Edit: thank you for the support. I literally had no where else to turn to, not because I don’t have a support system. I have an amazing support system but I haven’t found the courage to tell them what he’s really like. This felt like the next best thing as I read the posts on this sub quite a lot and I just needed support from some women while I muster the courage to tell my support system.