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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Pure-Field-3470 on 2023-09-02 09:14:07.
I have come to find out if I was wrong for this or not. The background to this is important. I (40f) have been married to Andrew (42m) for the last 10 years and we have two children together, Rosie (3f) and Theo (1m). I came into our marriage with two kids. Noah (15m) and Eliza (13f). My ex and I broke up when I was pregnant with Eliza.
I met Andrew a little over a year later and we dated for several months before he met the kids. My ex did not like the fact that I had moved on. I was up front with Andrew about how things were with my ex and that he might not like us dating before we reached the stage where my ex found out. He said it didn’t matter and he really liked me and we’d make it work.
My ex started the alienation early. Despite my best efforts the kids believed and still believe what my ex has told them. We always split custody 50/50. It was difficult when the kids were smaller. They were always dismissing Andrew and telling him he wasn’t their dad, they would tell us what their dad said about him and would say their dad wouldn’t lie when I would correct it. They believed I didn’t see it because I loved Andrew. It was things like Andrew made them breakfast so they’d love him more than their dad, or that he showed up to things for them because he wanted to make their dad angry, or that he wanted to steal us away from him.
We were in and out of court. We had individual and family therapy going for us and the kids. The ultimate goal was for the kids not to be used as pawns and for a more civil home life. It was also to give me the tools to do the right thing when my kids were being rude or disrespectful toward Andrew. My ex never lost any custody over the things he was saying. He was told to stop. But saying that time after time and doing nothing else changed nothing.
A few years ago we reached a point of civility. Noah and Eliza do not love or respect Andrew really. But they will be civil and respectful in the home. But Andrew is not called their dad or parent, they are not called his kids and that is something that would immediately end the civility.
My parents think Andrew is amazing mostly. They have made comments in the past about Andrew being a better father figure, etc. Recently they were unhappy though by the little time Andrew spends with the older kids and they said he can’t ignore two of his kids and he’s not just a father of two. I explained to them why we don’t use that language, which they knew but I was clear, I was concise and I wanted them to know it had to be that way, otherwise they hate him and take it out on him because of what my ex said. My parents told me they understood. But the next time we saw them they started to use that language and I interrupted them before they could make things worse, because the kids were already mad hearing it. I told my parents to leave our home because they had not respected what I asked of them.
They said I was rude and that I had no right to treat them this way. AITA?