This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/AlarmedCorgi42 on 2023-09-01 14:49:53.

Trigger warning: abuse, SA, ED

First, let me start by saying that I’ve been in therapy for almost 20 years. But with one trauma after another, it feels like I’m always just dealing with the current emergency and there’s never any time to actually process any of it. I grew up in a dysfunctional household: neglect, alcoholic parent, abuse, and that seemed to funnel me right into my abusive marriage which took me almost 10 years to recognize and realize I deserved better. From the time I was 12 years old, my father called me fat, restricted my food intake and drove me to an eating disorder which I’ve been dealing with since. I was SA’d as a teen, again in college, and then my ex traded me out to his friend during our relationship.

My entire self worth is defined by external factors:

  • Am I making enough money? Did I spend too much?
  • Is my home/car/office spotless? If I have someone come over to clean, I clean before they come and within hours of them leaving.
  • Am I thin enough? Toned enough? Did I work out enough? Did I eat a bad food?

The slightest critique of myself from anyone else and I believe that I am garbage and worthless. A small mistake (I forgot to take the garbage out this week or forgot to respond to an email that my boss asked me to deal with) and I spend the day believing that I am a total failure.

I recognize that part of this is an attempt at control. In a world where I had none, I’m grasping at straws for the slightest thing in my 3 foot space that I can control, even if its judging myself, but I also know that its extremely unhealthy and my soul just hurts sometimes. I feel immense guilt and shame over the slightest things and it makes it feel impossible most days to really push forward. I’m struggling to even convince myself that I’m at base line simply a good person, worthy of love.

Outwardly, I can appear confident, capable, I’m a high performer. But inside, I just don’t even know how to shift my mindset away from external measures and convince myself I really am a good person. I feel like a rotten apple. How do I see myself as a whole, real, good person? I can do the workbooks, but how do I really believe it?