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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/No_Kaleidoscope4059 on 2023-09-01 00:58:21.
My daughters husband has ADHD. I am aware of ADHD and the nuances and symptoms since my daughter has it as well. But, at least from my point of view, he does nothing to cope or combat it in any way. As a result, I have witnessed him acting extremely negligent to his duties as an adult partner. I don’t mean emotionally or anything, because they can be very sweet together, I mean he’s 100% the type of guy who has to be asked 5x to take the trash out and still doesn’t do it. Every house chore falls onto my daughter, even right after she gave birth, he didn’t do a single load of laundry, a single dish, walk the dog or change a diaper.
He works full time to support them while my daughter takes care of the baby, which is nice, but outside of that, he does nothing to contribute to their life from what I’ve seen. He is oblivious to the fact that she’s speaking to him half of the time and she ends up just sitting there talking to herself while he stares at his phone or spaces out. All of which, he attributes to his ADHD claiming he has “executive dysfunction”, or that he gets sidetracked, overwhelmed by multiple chores and starts to get frustrated. She has to call his name over and over again, repeatedly say “hello? I’m speaking to you?” For him to even glance up from his phone when she’s sitting 2 feet away from him.
He’s so not in tune with his surroundings that if the baby cries and she asks him to pitch in and help, he expects to be told what’s wrong with the baby, how to help, where to find everything, because he wasn’t paying any attention. So if she needs him to help with the baby, she’s still not getting whatever else she needs to get done finished, because she’s standing there and walking him through step by step, repeating herself, and still doing 100% of the mental load. She seems so frustrated and upset.
I watched this happen on countless visits and I just had enough of it this time. I watched for a week while my daughter did everything, cooked every meal, cleaned everything, did every feeding, changed every diaper. She did it or I did it, and not once, did her husband even offer to help or notice. When we did things all together he was constantly talking over my daughter, zoning out, or completely not even paying attention, and she has to repeat herself over and over again. Finally I snapped, cleared my throat and asked “why are you ignoring your wife when she’s talking to you?”. He started scrambling and trying to explain that it’s just that he has ADHD and can’t help it, and I told him that having ADHD doesn’t give him an excuse to treat my daughter like she’s invisible, and if that’s the extent to which it affects him he needs to see a doctor and get medication. His face got really red and he looked like he was about to cry, and I have to admit that I do feel bad for that, but at the same time, I think he needed to know. My daughter is saying she agrees but says that I owe him an apology for my tone or I won’t be invited back to visit. AITA?