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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/ThrowAwayAct1979 on 2023-08-31 17:21:27.
This is a throw-away account to preserve my/our anonymity.
I (M 43) have been married to my wife (F 44) for almost 20 years, and we have had 2 kids together. They are elementary school aged, and very well behaved good kids.
I am an introvert and a lawyer. She is an extrovert psychologist. We have very different hobbies as individuals.
On my 40th birthday I had an opportunity to scratch a big thing off my bucket list in life – to go on an Elk hunting trip. It was going to be about a 4 day trip with my brother in law and best friend. As I was planning the details out, my wife made it known that she did not want me to go. She didn’t give me any specific reasons other than that she just didn’t want me gone. I tried to talk with her about it, and we spent hours going back and forth on the topic until I couldn’t take it any more and I said, “I am going to go on this trip whether you want me to or not.”
She has never forgiven or forgotten those words. It really offended her badly.
Fast forward to now. This is a continuing source of tension. Any time I want to be apart from her it seems like she freaks out. It can be a day, a weekend at a work conference, whatever. I have never been unfaithful nor cheated on her, so that is not the issue at all.
Last year I got an e-mail that flights to Tokyo Japan were $500. This was another thing on my bucket list to-do in life. I’m not getting any younger, and I told my wife that I really wanted to snag this deal and go solo to Japan. It was a tug-of-war conversation that went on for days. Eventually, I booked a 7 day trip out to Japan. Before I left she said, “You better enjoy every minute of this trip because you’ll never be able to do this again.” Rather than confront or fight, I just let those words linger.
After that trip we had more fights about the same stuff. About how she doesn’t want me gone. How she fears that I might like being gone more than being home and never come back home. I tried to reassure her that that is not the case, but that I do need some alone time. I need adventures on my own sometimes. Stuff I can’t drag my whole family along to do – like crowded buses in Tokyo or shooting rifles at Elk.
So she gave me an allowance. 14 days a year. That’s my solo time allowance. I took “the deal” because it was better than “never again can you travel.” However, now I am growing resentful because she is literally counting days and keeping track. I feel trapped. I feel suffocated. I don’t know how to deal with this and keep our relationship healthy.
For any of you who say to get a divorce: no, that’s not something I want. For those who say to get in to couples counseling, we have. Things got gnarly and the therapist took my side, then recused herself (quit).
AITA if I said I am not ok with having a time allowance? That I need to be free to do things in life as they arise to live life to the fullest?
EDIT: Editing to add a FAQ below – we spend a lot of quality time together as a family on vacations. We spend about 4 weeks a year on visiting different States on vacation. Also I have offered to provide the same thing for my wife if she wants to have a get-away to recharge her batteries. Money is not one of the reasons or factors that cause us tension (we have enough). The 14 day allowance applies to work trips, day trip, or something bigger (obviously) like the Elk hunt.