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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Just-Worldliness-413 on 2023-08-29 10:54:13.

Growing up we lived far away from my grandparents and so had a different relationship with them than my cousins who saw them every day. Grandparents treated us differently and constantly treated me as the black sheep (though at 7 years old not sure exactly what I did!!) mostly because I didn’t act like my cousins. Grandparents looked after them when my aunt and uncle were at work so basically raised them. I hated it and used to dread going to visit.

Fast forward 30 years and I (38f) and my wife (39f) have a little one (2m) and in a similar situation where we lived 6hrs away from my parents. My sister and her family (4m and 2m) live an hour away so see them regularly. I know that our children will have different relationships with my parents purely because of how often they see them, but I make sure we video call, visit and talk about them so that they are not strangers.

A few weeks ago I took my son to stay with my parents for a few days. We had a lovely time and when we were there my dad bought my son some toy cars.

The next day my sister came over with her boys and my mum called them into the living room saying “boys follow me”. Naturally my son followed. She then gave my nephews a present each. My little ones face was heartbreaking as he didn’t understand why everyone got given a present but he didn’t. I bent down and said to him “why don’t you go and get the cars grandma and grandad got you to show your cousins.” I was trying to gently remind him that he had also been given a gift but it had been the day before.

Later that evening I was talking with my mum and she bought up how my grandparents had treated us differently. I said looking back I can understand why we had a different relationship but at the time it was hard. I said that I know they will do more with my nephews, but that I’d make sure my son understood he was just as important. I then took this opportunity (I wasn’t previously planning on saying anything) to say that they (my parents) could help by not doing things that might appear to be treating them differently, such as giving my nephews presents in front of my son if there’s nothing for him. He’s 2 years old. He doesn’t grasp the concept that he got something earlier. It’s a bit like giving one kid one present and another 6. The total cost might be the same but kids will see one got more than the other.

My mum’s response was that I am keeping track of who gets what and it’s up to her what she does and who she buys gifts for.

I think she’s missing the point and my sister says I’m TA for bringing it up, I hadn’t planned to at all it’s just how the conversation went. I don’t want my son to feel like I did and will always make sure he feels equal to his cousins.

AITA here? His face broke my heart and I thought I dealt with it well but now it feels like I’ve created a massive issue.

Edit 1 - following some of the comments I re-read my post and am adding things for clarity.

  1. The only reason I said anything is because my mum asked me directly “what can we do to make sure “x” doesn’t feel like we treat him differently?” My response was “treat them the same - for example if you have something to give my nephews include him or don’t give it in front of him”
  2. It wasn’t a birthday or other celebratory occasion. My mum saw something she thought one nephew would like and got something for the other so he wouldn’t feel left out (her words)
  3. We all went to a train museum and I bought each of the boys a train as a treat. Maybe it’s just me but I wouldn’t do one without doing all three.
  4. My kid doesn’t always get what he wants and yeah we deal with those melt downs and move on - just like any toddler.
  5. When we arrived at my parents I saw the things mum had bought on the side and thought it was something my nephews had left behind on a previous visit. When we were out I asked my dad to stop at a particular shop so I could get cough medicine. That’s where my son saw the thing he liked and my dad got it for him. If we hadn’t stopped he wouldn’t have received anything during our visit. I don’t have an issue with this as he probably already has too much stuff like most kids. It’s the fact that my mum asked me how to she could make sure he doesn’t feel like he’s treated differently, while treating them differently that confuses me.
  6. Yes I have issues and over think things. Dealing with this through therapy and will raise the points people have made. My wife is very good at bringing me back to reality. Note to self - don’t do these trips without her!!!
  7. Any parent hates to see their kid sad, but not only did he look sad he said he was naughty therefore making me think he thought he didn’t get a gift because he was naughty in some way.