This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/cliopedant on 2023-08-29 01:11:36.
Earlier this year, I realized that a several men I considered “friends” were treating me as their “emotional support female” - which is to say, dumping all sorts of their problems on me, getting heard and validated, and then, when I had a problem, being too busy to talk all of a sudden. Since coming to this realization, I’ve stopped reaching out to them to check in, and been “busy” when they’ve been reaching out to me. (because I’m spending more time with people who are actually my friends)
I’m going to see a couple of these guys at a conference I’m going to next week, and I know they are going to want to catch up (which is code for “vent at length about my problems”). My current mood towards this is “Nuke it from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure”, but I would rather set boundaries in less destructive ways.
So far, I’ve got: * An actual GERD diagnosis that I might use as an excuse (Oops, gotta go, might barf!) * "Ooh, that sounds complicated. You mentioned that you’re talking to a therapist maybe you can bring this up with them! Speaking of which, are you going to the [foo] presentation or the [bar] presentation for the next session? * “You know, Bob, last year I spent a lot of time helping you through your medical issue, but when I needed a little moral support after I got laid off, you were nowhere to be found. I felt quite hurt when I realized that I couldn’t count on you when I needed a friend. Do you think we could keep our conversations at a more casual level going forward?”
My natural inclination is to listen politely to people and validate their feelings (and offer advice when asked), but I really resent these people who took my time and were selfish about it. Therapy is helping me to notice these people pleasing tendencies in myself, but I haven’t advanced enough to be able to actually spot them in advance and nip them in the bud. Maybe your stories can help. Do you have some advice?