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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/Dadrev on 2023-08-28 18:50:31.

I (26) became widowed after my husband (37) died in a car accident whilst drunk driving - and it’s my fault.

So just a bit of background.

My life always kinda sucked. I grew up in a small town in SA as the only girl with 3 younger brothers. My father didn’t really see the need to educate me beyond high school and was also abusive. After my mother died when I was 15, I basically became the woman of the house. I did all the work (laundry, cooking and cleaning after all of them). My dad was an alcoholic and never hesitated to beat us up whenever he felt like it - especially after my mom’s death.

I met a seemingly decent man at church when I was 18 got married when I was 19. We had our 1st child 2 years later. Our lives turned sour after he lost his job at the factory he had worked for almost 10 years. He got into contract work and was always the breadwinner. We always got into fights whenever I wanted to get job because he was always jealous and protective.

One particularly bad incident happened when I applied for a job at a local supermarket and got a call for a job interview. I excitedly told him the news and he just SNAPPED. That was the 1st time he ever hit me. He accused me of undermining his ability to provide as the man of the house and also took away my phone for almost a month. He also accused me of wanting to advertise myself to all the men who work there and also shop there. I felt so stupid and felt like I was constantly sabotaging our marriage by not being content with what we had - even when we were struggling every month.

I always felt so alone and useless. My father passed away 2 years ago and I never even knew he was sick because him and my brothers dead basically disowned me after I got married. I went for the funeral and my brothers didn’t even acknowledge me beyond formal handshakes. My husband and daughter always felt like they were my whole world.

In May this year, I got invited by an ex school friend to work with her for half a day while she trains me to install venetian blinds. I begged my husband for almost a week until he agreed. Literally 4 hours and I would have been back home at 2 pm. Which I explained to him.

On that day, one of his contract jobs got canceled and he stayed home with our daughter. At 1pm , he called me asking why I’m not back yet then drove to come pick me up. He had been drinking and couldn’t even walk straight. I apologized to my friend and went into the car. Our daughter was in the back seat. I asked him why he would drive with her in the car when he was drunk. Especially when.e could have left her with his sister who lived down the road.

He lost his temper and the last thing he told me was about how I undermine his ability to be a gpod parent and also to provide. I don’t remember much but the car just veered off the road and rolled a few times. He died on the spot from head injuries. I broke my hip, left arm and leg. L also had minor head injuries. Somehow, Winnie didn’t get injured at all even though she was in the back seat

Almost 3 months later, I’m still trying to recover with no income and a 5 4 year old. I tried applying for some local jobs but most won’t accept a lady who isn’t fully recovered yet. The only job I ever got at a restaurant, I got paid half of the money because of breakages. The landlord was understanding for a few months but now says I should find another place to stay a we owe him 3 months rent.

I drank alcohol for the 1st time last night. A stupid cheap whiskey that burned my throat. Some cheap whiskey. I blame myself for messing up our lives. I miss what we had. It wasn’t perfect but I threw it all away. Staring at my child and seeing that I won’t be able to give her a place to live or even proper food makes me want to live this world. She’ll hate me when she grows older.