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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/dbthrowawayrowaway on 2023-08-28 07:33:05.
I’m in a down mood tonight and just want to get something off my chest.
My DH and I have had issues with a dead bedroom for years. It started a few months before I gave birth to our firstborn, who’s now 5. His libido went to zero and stayed there. I felt neglected and unhappy, so I tried to solve the problem. I tied myself in knots trying to turn him on, only to find myself rejected the vast, vast majority of the time. I tried backing off and letting him be the initiator, only to find that his libido is active only approximately twice a year. I communicated until I was blue in the face about how I was feeling, how he was feeling, how we were a team, how we could solve this, etc. Got empty rhetoric of “I’ll do better” in return.
I want to note at this point that our sex life has never actually been “good.” I have never orgasmed from a man, DH included. He’s never really tried. I’ve never really minded, because (a) I was young and stupid when we got together, and (b) I find sex to be primarily for bonding. I can have an orgasm by myself anytime; I can’t achieve that special closeness to another person all by myself. Quantity over quality is genuinely okay by me.
Which of course means that having no quantity OR quality was/is a terrible combination. After about 1.5 years of effort – and it WAS a huge effort – we finally reached a better place, courtesy mainly of scheduling sex. We decided to go for a second kid. That took a while, and honestly I blame the lengthy conception process for a large part of what’s happening now. He started rejecting any attempts at sex that weren’t in my fertile window. I had to track carefully and give him several days of advance notice of when sex “should” happen. Then he could only stay hard in one position (both of us lying down on our sides, with me facing away from him) and only for just long enough to get the job done. Foreplay was utterly nonexistent, and any attempts I made to change things up (looking at each other, me getting on top, etc.) were rejected. I cried sometimes after sex because of how dehumanizing it felt. I can only assume he hated it as much as I did.
That brings us to today. Baby is seven months old, and DH and I have not had sex since I got my positive pregnancy test – about 16 months total. And the thing now is, I don’t care. I have lost so much love and desire to bond with him that I just don’t care if I never have sex with him again. I remember the desires that I still had after my firstborn, and they are just completely, 100% gone. He obviously doesn’t care, and now, finally, thankfully, neither do it.
So here I am, in a sexless, romance-less coparenting relationship. We don’t sleep in the same room or even hug and kiss or say “I love you” (except to end a phone call). And the thing is, I don’t even want to be his friend, if that makes sense? The other week, we had a rare opportunity to go out for dinner together sans kids, and he asked me if I wanted to go. I said no. Not out of spite or anything; I just genuinely didn’t want to. To me it would feel like that would just be pretending and playacting at being a romantic, loving couple – or even just a couple of pals catching up at dinner – and I just … don’t want to playact. It feels false. I didn’t say that to him, although I would’ve been honest if he’d asked. He looked a bit hurt but just went out by himself instead, while I enjoyed a quiet evening home by myself.
Just getting it off my chest, I guess, because my birthday is coming up and I’m dreading him asking me if I want to go out for dinner with him. I’m hoping he just doesn’t ask and we have a family dinner instead. Basically the only way I don’t mind him in my space is if the kids are there too. I can cope with coparenting. Past experience has taught me exactly how much effort it takes to upgrade from coparenting, and honestly … it’s just not worth it.
EDIT: Wow, this got way more attention than I ever thought. I figured I would just scream into the void a little bit before bed. Woke up and now there are so many notifications.
I have errands most of the day, but I promise I will read all the comments and respond to what I can. Thank you for taking the time. To address some of the questions I’ve seen from briefly skimming the comments:
Q: First and foremost, why did you bring another kid into this mess? A: I think this question is missing the point. It wasn’t a mess when we decided to have a second kid, at least in my (perhaps deluded) view. We had reached a place in our marriage that I was happy with. This wasn’t a situation of “surely a baby will fix our broken marriage!” This was “our marriage has been through a rough patch but come out the other side and now we are ready to amplify our happiness.” Maybe it was stupid, but I genuinely thought we’d overcome the challenges. I even shared my happiness in the deadbedrooms sub like the fool I was.
Q: Has he been medically tested? A: Yes, after MONTHS of asking, and only if you count going to the laziest doctor in the world. It’s no secret I dislike his doctor. What kind of so-called physician, hearing a healthy-looking young man come in and say “I have no sex drive, can I have a testosterone test?”, just responds “Sure, here’s a hormone panel, bye now” with no follow-up questions? Anyway, his testosterone is apparently normal and he doesn’t want to go back to a doctor again.
Q: Is he gay/asexual/addicted to porn? A: I’ve asked. He’s denied it and disliked the line of questioning.
Q: Did you get fat/stinky/undesirable after kids? A: Nope. Lost the weight quickly both times and generally take care of myself and my health (my unsatisfied physical drive notwithstanding).
Q: Have you tried counselling? A: I’ve asked that too and he doesn’t want to. I may have to force the issue or at least try individually counselling for myself.
Q: Have you considered an affair? A: Not a dishonest one … but I’m not gonna lie, I would jump at the opportunity if he said I could get a lover.