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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Blinxar on 2023-08-24 23:38:31.
For context, my wife (29, let’s call her Anne) and I (28) are separating after an 8 year marriage. We have a 2-year old son.Tldr for separating is that it is a no-fault divorce (no infidenlity or anything like that) but Anne does not love me anymore and has chosen to leave. Again, this is no individual’s fault but I am still willing to try and fix things and she is not.
I have been the main breadwinner while Anne has done a small amount of self-employed work. With the separation I would fairly comfortably be in the position to have primary custody of our son with an Au Pair for care during the week while I work.
I do have some small concerns about my Anne’s ability to provide a stable household. She would have to rent with her mother (who is not in a good financial position) and doesn’t yet have a job, however I do belive she is a good mother and would try her hardest to provide for him.
To make matters more complicated, my parents gave us a sizeable amount of money to help us purchase our first house (~£100,000). They told me this evening that they would want this back to help me put down the deposit for my next house. This did not sit very well with me as this does greatly diminish the assets that Anne would be entitled to. I would be willing to part with other assets to try and balance the scale somewhat. Note I am not asking about the legalities of this, I am just putting forward an If X then Y suggestion.
This caused Anne to get very upset. Even though I’ve explained my parents’ thought process behind this she believes that they are doing all of this out of spite and anger. She’s saying that this makes it very difficult to look after our son but my attempts to say that I can care for him are just met with “That’s not happening” with no consideration.
For clarity, I’m not talking about sole custody either way in this. In all likelihood it would probably be the difference between 3 & 4 nights/week depending on who the main carer is. If I do not have primary custody then I would also be paying child maintenance, this would not be the case the other way around.
Note: If anyone’s unfamiliar with an Au Pair, in essence, they are normally someone from abroad who wants to learn the language and culture of the host country in exchange for room, board a nominal amount of allowance and childcare for the host’s family.
AITA for believing that me having primary custody with an Au Pair is a reasonable suggestion that should be considered?
Edit: We both definitely want to share custody. Before this evening came about the state of play was that she would have him Monday-Thursday and I would Friday-Sunday.Her reaction to my parents’ decision was that she couldn’t have that and look after our son which is where my suggestion of just flipping the days around comes from. She could work a little extra to support herself.
I also work from home so although I get the concerns with having a “stranger” in the house, I would be home almost all of the time.