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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/Accomplished-Fall823 on 2023-08-24 21:08:19.

Hey there! I want to post this because I need to get it out and I think this would be the best place for it. I haven’t been able to say or even type out exactly what happened to me. It was a suppressed memory that I didn’t remember until I was 15, which was a few weeks ago. My body and mind are acting like it happened the day I remembered it. I’m having awful anxiety and can’t handle certain types of touch anymore (for example a hand on my hip) when I used to love it. This post will be in detail so trigger warning for sure.

I don’t know how it started but I’m in my grandma’s house sitting on top of a man, it’s day time. Whenever we go to my grandma’s house everyone typically hangs out and smokes on the back deck, being a kid I wasn’t allowed out there when everyone was smoking. I don’t know who exactly is under me, and still don’t. He put his left hand on my left hip and was holding me in place like this, his right hand was in my shirt. He was doing stuff to me in there and I started freaking out telling him to stop and whining. He covered my mouth with his right hand and trailed his left hand into my pants. He moved his finger around a bit and eventually put it inside me, I cried harder at this point. I was squirming and trying to get away and he was whispering to me saying stuff like my squirming was making it more enjoyable for him. He also went on about how fast and easy I was able to get him hard. He made me feel like it was my fault and I didn’t even fully understand everything he was saying. I remember googling what “hard” meant and looking up what an erection was a few days after the event, I only remember because my mom got mad at me for looking up these things and asked me where I learned this word from. I told her youtube and she let it go. The whole time I could feel him under me and him trying to press me closer to him. Eventually I stopped fighting and crying and just went limp. He called me a good girl while he continued to violate me for what felt like hours. It probably was only 15 minutes though. It’s kind of crazy how 15 minutes can ruin someone’s life, or change their life at that. I’m so nervous for school to start again soon because I can barely handle walking through target ever since I remembered that. My parents know about it now, but they don’t know the exact details of what happened. This is my first time typing it out in the month that I’ve known. I don’t know exactly how it ended but I remember him pushing me off of him, which launched me into my feet in front of the couch.

I often get angry, that I have “problems” to deal with now and that he doesn’t. He probably doesn’t even remember what he did. I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing that I don’t know who it is, I can’t see his face in the memory and there is no build up before what happened and virtually nothing after. Why do I have to be the one who gets tense when I hear someone walking behind me? Why do I have to be the one who flinches at my sister or mothers hugs? Why do I have to be the one who can’t cry about what happened and have no idea why? Why do I have to be the one to feel disgusting in my own body? WHY couldnt HE just be a normal person??? I truly feel like my life is ruined, which I know is dramatic. I don’t even know why I’m posting this, what I’m hoping to achieve. I just needed to get it typed out at least. This is the first time I’ve even said “I was raped” in my head or typed it out. It feels so unreal and I don’t understand how I “forgot” this until eight years later. I’m so embarrassed talking about it and my stomach always hurts. Thanks for listening.