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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Hungry_Razzmatazz_57 on 2023-08-24 13:48:47.
My husband and I have three boys together ages 17, 16 and 14. I also gave birth to a boy who I placed for adoption at birth who is now 29. He had a good life and we communicated via a few letters for a few years before my younger children found out contact had been made. He did not want to meet us and I respected that. My other boys always knew, thanks to the help of a therapist who we worked closely with when they were young to find out the best path for them to be aware, about him but it was explained he was part of another family and might never join ours. This was the way the therapist suggested we explain it to them.
The boys read some of the letters and decided to write to him and say they wanted to meet. He let me know and I told my boys they should not have read my personal mail. My husband told them these are delicate matters and he had no obligation to meet us. The boys hated hearing that and said he was their brother and he should want to know them, and me, his real mom. We explained to the boys that his real mom was the woman who raised him and that his real family were the ones he grew up alongside and loved. We sent them back to therapy. But my oldest son did agree to meet us. We did wait for a therapist to say it should be safe (as in that my boys had clearer heads of what it would be like).
It seemed to go okay. But after five months of contact, we met his family. It was slightly awkward but my boys behaved horribly. My oldest has a brother and they hated meeting him and seeing them interact. We had to leave early after my boys started saying he wasn’t his real brother and they’d replace him so he better go find his real siblings. But after we left my oldest said he would not ever want us to meet again and said that my boys had privately taunted his brother and insulted him and claimed his brother had stolen him from them (my boys). I apologized for their behavior and told him I was so sorry we had proceeded.
My husband and I were so angry and we grounded them for their behavior. They had their phones taken, their laptops and TVs removed and we had some very serious talks with them about their behavior. During this my ILs were annoyed that we were punishing them so severely for this. They said we should have been speaking to my oldest about giving his brother’s a better chance and saying he should never have taunted them with his brother. They also said we should have been better parents and figured out a better way than harsh punishment.
AITA?