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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/otadak on 2023-08-23 23:24:04.

TW: CSA, medical trauma

sharing my story is extremely difficult, but if it helps even one other person out there feel a little less alone, then it’ll be worth it. it would also be worth it if i could help parents have informed consent before allowing their child to be subjected to this barbaric torture. this is the first time i have ever actually written out what happened to me.

when i was 4 years old, i wet the bed (like many children do). my mom wanted to make sure it wasn’t due to a medical issue so she took me to the doctor for some tests. the doctor referred me to a urologist who said he wanted to get some “x-rays”. i was nervous because this was going to be a doctor that was a stranger to me, but my mom promised me it would be okay and i was safe. she didn’t know what was about to come…

i can still, 25 years later, remember that cold metal table. i remember the doctor coming into the room with a limp tube, which he called “mr. spaghetti” (in retrospect, that in a vacuum is kind of funny, but as a child, this only made me more nervous). i remember him asking me to strip my clothes and then ordered my dad to hold me down on the cold table by my wrists. as soon as that happened, i started to cry and scream and panic — i knew something was very wrong. this was not “just taking some x-rays” like i had been told. i was powerless and terrified, and my agency had just been completely stripped away.

one of the nurses held down my legs as hard as she could and another started aggressively rubbing my vagina with a rag with some sort of liquid on it. it burned. i was always told by my parents that it was never okay to let someone touch me there, so i was very scared and confused as to why my parents were “allowing” this. my mom was next to me to hold my hand to provide “support”. i remember the male doctor forcing my legs apart and the sudden, excruciating, cutting pain of this doctor forcibly shoving the tube into my vagina. i now know that this was a catheter, but my 4 year-old brain interpreted this as a knife.

for years i would have intrusive memories and nightmares about a man with a knife holding me down and cutting me there.

i remember me crying and screaming on the top of my lungs and begging the doctor to stop. he didn’t listen. the doctor ordered me to be held down harder because i was “being difficult”. what happened next was a blur, but i do remember my mom putting a stop to it after she saw how much pain i was in. i remember sitting in the car crying while she comforted me the best she could. i remember feeling so scared, violated and unsafe. this procedure is where i learned to dissociate. to this day, this was the worst pain/experience i have ever experienced in my entire life. i am almost 30.

unfortunately, my experience is not a unique one. this procedure is called VCUG (voiding cystourethrography). i have learned that this procedure is very common but also largely unnecessary to correct the issue it’s meant to. i’ve also learned that a child’s brain copes with it in exactly the same way that children who have been sexually abused cope with their own trauma. not only is it excruciatingly painful, it is also an extremely humiliating and demeaning experience for those who go through it. there has been conclusive research since the 90s that show that the mental health ramifications of this procedure far outweigh any of the stated potential benefits. the procedure continues to be used very often — close to 400,000 times a year.

this experience has left me with vaginismus. this experience has affected my relationship with my body, my mental health, and my personal relationships. i have never been able to use a tampon or get a gynecological exam like normal individuals because my body still remembers and holds this trauma from when i was 4. i am now 30. i would not wish this experience on my worst enemy. i am currently in therapy trying to unpack what was done to me through EMDR and have been diagnosed with CPTSD.

i know logically that neither my parents or this doctor wanted to hurt me - but it doesn’t change the fact that my body, whether i like it or not, has processed this procedure similarly to a child who is a victim of CSA. to a child, intention does not matter.

this barbaric and inhumane procedure will be performed on thousands of children today and is listed as “minimally invasive” on every hospital group website. if you have been through this too, know that you are not alone. ❤️