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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/notinthebudgetaita on 2023-08-21 16:40:03.
My wife (38f) and I (37M) have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids (10, 8, & 5). We both work full-time and have the kids in daycare during the summer until school starts up again. We both make decent money, but with the cost of literally everything going up more and more often, our budget is getting tighter. We still live comfortably within our means, but we are saving much less and are being more conscious of our discretionary spending.
Our youngest is starting kindergarten this fall, so that will help because we aren’t spending on daycare anymore. But our oldest kids are now in more sport and extracurricular activities which pretty much offset any saving we would be doing on childcare. We aren’t anywhere near struggling, but we are definitely more aware of how we spend our money now.
My wife’s younger sister, Jen (30F), is 6 months pregnant with her 3rd child. Jen is not married and this is her 3rd different baby daddy. Only one of the first 2 fathers is involved, the other is a complete deadbeat who regularly skips child support payments. Jen recently called my wife and told her that her current baby’s dad left her and she’s freaking out and asking for help. Whether that be money, a place to stay, anything.
My wife’s parents are both passed away and they have no other siblings, just each other. So, obviously my wife wants to do whatever we can to help. But, we don’t have the space to house them and don’t have a lot of extra money to give them either. My wife wants to give Jen a few hundred dollars every month and to start watching her 2 older kids so Jen can keep working. Personally, I think that idea is short-sighted because Jen won’t be able to work after the new baby comes.
My idea was to dip into savings and pay for a lawyer for Jen to do a better job of getting the child support she is owed. I would rather bite a bigger bullet once than death by a thousand cuts over months and months. But my wife says that won’t help put food on Jen’s table every week.
I laid out our budget and asked my wife where we can make cuts to support Jen, because I just don’t see it. I asked her what she would be willing to give up, or have our kids go without, to support Jen. She got mad at me and called me heartless for not wanting to help. It turned into a fight and I ended up telling her that if she wants to support her sister like this, then she is going to need to work more or get a 2nd job because I’m not compromising our family budget long-term.
All of our finances are shared, so it’s not like either of us has our “own” money to use however we want. I also know that my wife and I are the only family Jen has and I agree that we should help. But adding hundreds or possibly more to our monthly budget isn’t going to work. Jen needs more help than we can provide and she needs to find resources that can do that for her. But my wife thinks I am being an uncaring AH about this.