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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/jambonjambon7 on 2023-08-21 01:08:43.
EDIT.
Thanks to everyone who read and commented. I didn’t expect so many people to read this; it’s terribly long.
A lot of you are being very encouraging and understanding. Thank you for that.
Many of you are asking why? Why am I even with this asshole? Why have I put up with it for so long? I should know this is all unacceptable, should’ve dumped him long ago, and so on.
I think this is something a lot of people deal with when in bad relationships. Things don’t necessarily start off bad. In my own case, things started off great. After he moved in, there were annoyances here and there, but at the time I chalked it up to being due to the adjustments having to be made living with a new person. Living with another person is tough. So I thought many of the inconveniences would dissipate over time.
Things gradually progressed until they became identifiable patterns. My exhaustion grew; my unhappiness increased. Over time, I found myself getting upset and annoyed in his presence. I could feel my blood pressure rise when he walked into the room.
At first I asked myself what it was I could do to change things. To make them better. I asked myself if I was the problem.
Things were allowed to get to this point because it’s not always obvious what the source of the problem is.
I typed this all out and posted it because it was therapeutic on some level. I also needed feedback from others to make sure I wasn’t crazy. I needed to make sure none of this was normal. (Now I know a few of you will jump on that statement and tell me I should KNOW none of it is normal. It’s hard to untangle feelings from logic from memories from manipulation. Having to pick it all apart can be confusing.)
I *did* break up with him, after bringing up these issues multiple times. And of course, he claimed he only had good intentions. I was misinterpreting everything.
As a quick UPDATE to the situation:
I broke up with him a few days ago. Since then, he’s been avoiding being home. He only comes home at night to go to sleep. He has not harassed me for sex for the past two nights. He and I had a “conversation” last night, at his insistence. Apparently, he is doordashing for extra money (as of yesterday) and believes this is all just a big misunderstanding. A hiccup in our relationship. He also believes that there is “someone else,” that I dumped him because I’m interested in another man/talking to another man. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m not sure if it’s getting through to him that I’m unhappy because of our relationship, not because I want to run off with someone else. It seems easier for him to blame some nameless, faceless “other man,” rather than take responsibility.
Again, thank you everyone who has read and commented on this post.
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My boyfriend moved into my house a little over a year ago (previously, we had a great relationship). Since then I’ve grown to absolutely hate him. I feel on edge, stressed out, agitated, ready to retreat, angry, and uncomfortable whenever I see him or when I’m in the same room as him.
I have spent the past few months trying to figure out why. Initially I blamed myself (maybe I’ve suddenly become a miserable and crotchety person?), but I believe I have a multitude of reasons for feeling the way I feel.
Here, in no particular order, are the reasons I hate my boyfriend:
Reason # 1
Up until only the past month or so, but only after I repeatedly had to lose my everloving shit on him to finally get him to listen and acknowledge my discomfort, he would constantly (4-7x/week for about a year) nag, beg, coerce, guilt and shame me for sex. Every.Single.Night…as soon as I would go to the bedroom at night to go to bed, he would immediately start grabbing and ripping my clothes off, while demanding sex. He would aggressively paw at me in the most unappealing way imaginable. (And the thing is, I love sex. If my body doesn’t feel completely destroyed from a long, work-filled day, I usually want to have sex.) And I would recoil because oftentimes the yanking and grabbing and tearing my clothes off was really uncomfortable, and in a few cases, painful. In fact, he pulled something in my back from grabbing me by the shoulders and yanking me around while trying to forcefully take my clothes off. It took months to heal.
So when I would cringe and try to physically distance myself from him (because I would feel overwhelmed and bombarded), he would immediately begin with the nagging. “Oh, so I guess we’re not fucking tonight? Why don’t you want to fuck me? Why? Tell me why? Why don’t you want to have sex?” At this point I would be so turned off, I would decide (even if I originally wanted to have sex) that I would prefer to engage in any activity BUT sex with him. So I would tell him “no, I guess we’re not having sex tonight.” Then he’d ask “why?” “Why? Why? Why? Why?” I would tell him I simply wasn’t in the mood (which was true, because I’d lose the desire to have sex after being manhandled and then asked in a weird, almost accusatory, nagging way if we weren’t fucking.)
Then more “why’s” would follow. Then he’d keep going. Nagging. Begging. Telling me if I didn’t fuck him, his entire next day would be ruined. He’d tell me he didn’t believe I wasn’t in the mood, and would demand to know the “real” reason why. He’d accuse me of wanting other men. Etc., etc. THIS would happen during the majority of nights out of a week. I would oftentimes just give him what he wanted, just so I could get some peace and quiet. If I didn’t give him what he wanted, the nagging and harassing would go on for HOURS. I would look at my phone occasionally. 11pm. 12am. 1am. And every time I would feel devastated, knowing I had to be up early in the morning, and knowing that I would feel like garbage due to being kept up so late, all because he demanded to know WHY I wouldn’t have sex with him.
On a few occasions, he would throw temper tantrums and stomp around and tell me he was leaving the house.
What was once a love for sex (on my end; always loved it), became having sex just to get him to leave me alone and let me finally sleep at night.
I’ve never in my life experienced this sort of behavior surrounding sex, and I’ve never in my life been so turned off by someone. Over time, I grew to resent him, mainly because he ruined the joy I always found in having sex with a partner, and also because my sleep and restfulness had suddenly taken a nosedive. My days became more exhausting, more unbearable, more tiring (and I’m an extremely busy person, with a mountain of responsibilities; I cannot afford to not get proper rest).
After a few months of this, I had started to feel stressed out before bedtime. I would hesitate to go up to the bedroom to go to sleep, because he would LITERALLY sit next to me on the couch and WAIT for me to begin walking upstairs so that he could run up and follow me and start his bullshit with the demanding and nagging for sex. It became a conundrum for me: I’m exhausted and I need to go to bed, so I want to go to bed, but I also know if I go up to bed, I won’t be getting any sleep.
Reason # 2
When he moved in, I realized that the rent he was paying at his old place was half the amount I pay at my place. And I didn’t want to break him financially, so the agreement was for him to pay what comes out to 1/3 of the rent here. And that’s perfectly fine by me.
That being said…
Only up until this past month, he has not bought any groceries for the house BUT he eats an insane amount of food. Oftentimes, while he’s drunk/drinking, he gets the booze munchies and rips through the cabinets and refrigerator. A lot of times I would come downstairs in the morning, begin making coffee, etc., and find a bunch of empty food containers, packages, bags, boxes, etc. of brand new stuff I had just bought that was meant to last at least for the week (until my next shopping trip), but was now gone.
What’s worse is that at no point did he ever think in his head “wow, I just ate all of (insert food item), maybe I should go to the store and pick some more up so that my partner can have some.” No. Not at all. Never. The first time I brought up my frustration with the matter (in the very beginning), he was like “oh, you told me I could help myself to whatever I wanted to eat? So what’s the problem?”
I was like…“yeah, but I assumed you would help yourself while keeping me in mind. Like I buy this stuff because I also want to eat it. I don’t think someone should have to tell you to have some consideration and leave some for me?”
He acted like he had no clue he wasn’t supposed to just eat everything all the time and contribute nothing to the weekly groceries or replace anything. Now, whenever I (very politely, mind you) ask him to leave some food for me (usually when I see him drunkenly rip open a package and begin inhaling the items within), he gets defensive, as if I’m being mean. I just want to eat some of the stuff I buy for the house.
Additionally, he doesn’t offer to help pay oil, electric, or anything else. I’ve brought this up - how it doesn’t feel like a partnership because he doesn’t even ask if I need help paying utilities. He reminded me that the agreement was the amount he’s currently paying towa…
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