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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/leeksausage on 2023-08-13 11:09:11.
I (34M), thought i would ask in this particular subreddit, as i feel i need some varied input.
My brother-in-law (31M) has two wonderful kids aged 9 and 7 with his ex-wife (31F). Their marriage ended a few years back for a number of reasons, primarily that his own (full) brother (29M) was having an affair with the wife throughout the course of their marriage.
He has come to me in discretion regarding the following.
I am close to my brother-in-law, and i would go as far as calling him an actual brother. I was his best man at his latest wedding. His brother (who is now largely estranged from the entire family) has a history of questionable moral choices and frankly, i wouldn’t care much if i never had contact with him again. He has caused my partner (30F) significant emotional harm, has a child (8) he has nothing to do with, and has insulated himself with his own partner now, with whom he shares another child (6).
My BIL has since remarried to the most wonderful woman (33F), someone who we all get real joy in seeing and talking to. She has 2 children from a prior marriage who are as fantastic as she is. I speak for us all, but they are all a well and truly an integrated aspect of our family now.
They have been trying for a child for a couple of years or so now, and ventured into doing a course of IVF treatment. He discovered that his sperm count is “exceptionally low”. You can now see where this is going…
The thought that his 2 kids aren’t his has been chewing him up, and by his own admission, has affected his relationship with his kids and his wife. Its all he talks about when in private with me and my parter. Being completely honest, I did toy with the idea of secretly doing a paternity test on his behalf via hair samples. If it came back positive, I could plead for forgiveness but offer the good news results and free him from his torment. If it came back negative, it would be something I would have to take to my grave.
I ultimately decided against this on both moral and legal grounds. He has since, however, approached me with the idea of doing one himself and i came clean about my past plans. Ironically, he said he would have really appreciated me doing that, but regardless, that ship has sailed.
The dilemma is: Regretfully, i think that IF these results come back negative, he is the type of character that, over time, would distance himself from his kids as a result. The whole experience of discovering the affair caused him significant trauma, suicidal thoughts, and has since sought a lot of therapy to come to terms with.
I have explained to him that being a father and a dad are two very different things. Irrespective of who fathered the children will never take away what his has given his kids.
There is zero contact from my partners family with the ex wife. It would also mean, that if my BIL pushed the kids out, that would more or less cut contact with us and the kids.
He says he still wants to proceed, yet i dont think he has quite weighed up the impact this will have on himself and everyone around him. I do know that the thought of “not knowing” really is weighing heavily on him.
Because the suspected father is his biological brother, its not a straight forward case of - “the kids clearly look like you”, as the brothers look relatively similar.
Should i advise him not to continue with a paternity test? One side of me thinks, of course he has a right to know. The other part is the damage it will cause to the kids if the results arent what we hope.