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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/owlskye on 2023-08-13 01:28:17.
Gonna delete this later. I’m extremely emotional right now and I have no one to turn to.
Apparently to my husband, I’m just the most evil horrible bitch to ever exist. Everything I ever do is a problem and I’m not allowed to do x, y and z. I’m just the worst person ever and nobody is ever going to love me because I’m just so horrible.
So, why do you stay? When I try to leave, why do you beg me to stay? Why don’t you just leave?! Why?! If I’m such an abusive monster because I dare point out that you hurt my feelings or we’re being rude, then why are you here?!
I’m so sick of it. I’m so tired of it. I have had a severely abusive and neglectful childhood, and I lived in poverty. I clawed and fought my way out of there so I would never have to rely on my family ever again. I would never have to deal with the chaos that addiction is. I would never have to deal with someone screaming at me or judging me for wanting to relax.
And yet, here I sit, in my own fucking house that I bought myself after working my ass off to escape that environment, constantly afraid I’m doing something wrong. Like a fucking child. STILL!
I’m so pissed. I worked my ASS off to escape that environment! I have sacrificed EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER KNOWN to make it to a place in my life where I should just be able to sit down after a long day of work and not worry about me doing something wrong.
I am still that same little girl hiding in her room, waiting to be yelled at for something. Waiting to be screamed at and beat because I dare defend myself or ‘talk back’.
It’s bullshit. I spent a year homeless, fighting my way through extreme poverty as a fresh adult so I could make it to basic training in the military. The entire six months that followed when I joined was absolute misery. And still, I clawed my way through it. I did the hard part! I worked for it! I earned it! I earned the right to RELAX AND BE BORED! To just sit in silence and do NOTHING!
And I’m STILL made to feel like I’m doing something wrong. How dare I not be cleaning or cooking or spending the little amount of money I have on doing random shit?! I work my ass off at my job, which isn’t fucking easy by any means, doing something I’m seriously not at all qualified to do because it’s the military and the ONE thing I want to do is RELAX! And I can’t! I can’t! I can never fucking relax for one minute because I’m DOING SOMETHING WRONG!
I just want to be loved for who I am. I want to be cared about the way I care about other people. Just once I want my partner to notice that I have been depressed and ask me, “what’s wrong? Talk to me about it.” Just once. I ask him everyday how he’s doing and what he’s feeling. Instead I get judged and criticized like a child because I haven’t been acting like my normal Cinderella self, slaving away and doing everything. So horrible, I’m just such a lazy piece of shit I suppose.
Oh but none of my problems matter. Apparently my job is nothing, I work a “desk” job even though it’s not. I have to simulate aerial combat scenarios through a radar scope, but nope, that’s nothing. I might as well work at McDonald’s for how easy my job is. I guess I have no excuse for being tired at the end of the day because I didn’t do physical labor. The mental thought that goes into such a fucking job doesn’t matter.
I’m so sick of having to say these words: “I know you think what I do is nothing but today was difficult”. It’s bullshit. What I do isn’t nothing. It is hard. It really is. It is stressful. These scenarios can feel like a real war at times. It is DIFFICULT, GOD DAMN IT!
I am done. I want to be free. I want to relax. I want to be bored. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy my accomplishments. I want to be proud! I want to be proud of what I’ve done! I want to feel successful, I want to feel like I’ve earned something! I want to feel like I’m intelligent.
And he won’t let me. I’m so done.