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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/i4gor on 2023-08-12 00:58:38.

This happened a couple months ago. I miss my friend and wonder if I could have done something different.

Sarah (31F) and I (26F) met when we were in undergrad. She was funny and we had a lot in common. Even after school ended, we stayed friends. We’d share memes, vent after bad days, stay at each other’s houses. I’d say we were best friends.

She met a guy, fell in love and got engaged. I was ecstatic for her, and happy when she asked me to be in her bridal party. I’m kind of a dork and had never been to a wedding, let alone played an important part in one.

Ultimately the bulk of the planning and the wedding itself was to happen during my last year of law school.

The final year of law school sucks. I had to do my highest level classes while preparing for the bar the toughest-to-pass state. I let it consume my life and was working on bar prep from 6am to 10pm at least six days a week. I wasn’t the best friend during that time. I didn’t respond to messages as fast as I should have, and I’d turn down some, not all, bridal hangouts because I had to study.

Towards the summer, things fell apart. She was supposed to get married in September and her venue cancelled in June. She started calling late at night and saying really worrying stuff about her mental health. The first few times this happened I freaked out and talked her down the best I could. I suggested postponing the wedding if it was hurting her this much, or at the very least talking to a professional about all the stress. By the end of the call, we’d both be laughing and everything would be “fine.”

However these calls kept happening more frequently and I started to dread seeing her name on the phone. Spending a couple hours a night playing therapist then getting up early and studying the minutiae of state vs. federal class action certification was miserable and I got tired of it. She wasn’t looking for any solution, just to use me as a therapist. I told her I can’t keep taking these calls where she threatens herself, and if she made specific, credible threats to her well-being again, I’d just call 911 since I’m genuinely worried and live 100+ miles away.

She got incredibly upset, started crying and hung up. A week later, Sarah asked if I could come over to talk. I understood that she was hurt, and really wanted to make things better between us. When I got there, all the bridesmaids were there like it was an intervention. Sarah told me that she had rethought me being in her wedding. She said it felt “disingenuous” to have someone there that doesn’t really care about her enough to support her, plus I was “soooo busy.” She also told me that I was still welcome to attend the wedding as a guest with no plus 1. I told her I appreciated her telling me in person, but I wouldn’t want anything “disingenuous” on her big day even as a guest, and she can invite someone else.

That was the last time we spoke. I can’t help but wonder if I was the AH for refusing to take any more calls, and refusing to attend as a guest.