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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/whitehotwhitedress on 2023-08-10 19:22:52.
TW// @buse, su1cide
Tried to post this on a throwaway account for safety reasons, but this sub/reddit wouldn’t let me ://
I (19F) exposed my abusive father (for the rest of the post he will be named “sperm donor”) after a lifetime of having to deal with abuse on my own behind closed doors.
A few days ago, I sat a few extended family members down and explained my abusive home situation (through profuse tears). The internal process leading up to me being able to do this was hellish but also filled with quite a bit of positive growth. I was on edge about opening up, and oscillated between doing it and not doing it for months- I felt like I could pass out from fear a few times within this period, especially the day before and the day of the reveal. My fear was compounded by the fact that I knew abuse victims are sometimes not believed about their experiences, or they have their experiences downplayed- especially by those close to the abuser. Apart from the Indescribable nerves I was experiencing for months, I was simultaneously becoming mentally and physically healthier during this time as well. I had to consistently build mental strength/work myself up to speak out by saying affirmations, doing meditations, making a conscious effort to let go of fear, etc. All of these things definitely caused an uptick in my mental health. Physically, I started feeling healthier as the prospect of finally getting the hell out of here allowed my nervous system to start to exit fight or flight after a being in this state literally forever, and also allowed for my nervous system to start to truly and deeply process what I had gone through and continue to go through. I have been starting to feel so much more at ease and just normal- the first time I have ever felt this way in my life. When I finally got around to exposing my sperm donor, you can imagine the relief and happiness I felt when I was met with support, empathy, and validation from my extended family about my experience. Surprisingly enough, they also had stories about my sperm donor being a flaming pos to them and to others outside of my home. I learned that my sperm donor had stolen VERY large amounts of money from extended family members, raged at extended family members for perceived slights/ for nothing, consistently toted a rude, haughty, arrogant, and hostile attitude when interacting with extended family members, lied to extended family members (and to me) about his life and financial circumstances, was a bully to his siblings growing up, etc. I also learned that many, many, of my family members had already distanced themselves from my sperm donor- his own mother and father inclded (my sperm donor for some time was raised by his great grandmother, so he did not learn his abusive ways from either his mother or his father- neither of them co-sign his behaviour). All of this was shocking in that my sperm donor had let his mask slip so far down in front of others outside my home, however, the behaviours themselves weren’t shocking in the slightest. What others have gone through at the hands of my sperm donor is terrible, however, it is also nice that what I said easily tracked, and assume that this helped in me being believed. I hate that my sperm donor has been able to prey on others yet it is also so, so healing knowing that he has been cruel to others because I am now finally able to let go of that unconscious inner voice of self-blame for the abuse I have been through and continue to go through. Though I always knew it consciously, it has finally unconsciously sunk in that no, my childhood (and continued) abuse was never my fault, and that in reality my sperm donor is a very sick entity, and will abuse, manipulate, and exploit anybody in his path. It was never personal or about me. Abuse is never, ever personal. It was not easy in the slightest to expose my sperm donor, especially as I have anxiety disorders and am also just a generally reserved person, but I am so glad that I did!! Because of being able to get everything I’ve been through off my chest, having support outside my home, and now having insight into just how pervasive my sperm donor’s behaviour is; I finally feel light, and like I can rest. I never thought I would feel this way, ever. More than that, I never even thought that I would be alive today- if 15 y/o me with multiple suicide attempts under her belt found out about where I am in life today, I imagine she would be brimming with joy, pride, peace, and, tears. I wish could go back in time and give her the tightest hug and tell her that everything would be alright. She would hate to hear that cliché line but I would make sure to make her believe it.
My extended family has made it known to me that they are always available to me if I need their support in any way, and we are very slowly working on an escape plan that doesn’t leave anyone behind in this hell house and at the mercy of my sperm donor’s rage. Please wish me and my other immediate family members luck in trying to get out of here as leaving an abusive situation is by no means easy when nobody around you is well off and when you yourself are not yet financially independent. Thank you for reading if you’ve gotten this far, I just needed some place where I could share this victory/step forward. :)