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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/loraren on 2023-08-08 00:41:50.
There are too many posts in this subreddit and others about women who are committed to men who are disrespectful, lazy, and, at worst, violent. A common comment is to encourage the woman to leave so that she can be available to find a better partner.
The goal of leaving a relationship shouldn’t be to find a better one: the goal is to find peace, self-respect, and self-love. I’ve seen other posts about how being single is better than tying yourself to a man who is not a good partner. I’m writing to go one step further: The unfortunate truth is that you may not be able to find a better partner, and you may be single long-term or perhaps even forever; but that still doesn’t justify staying with a man who makes you deeply unhappy and makes your life more difficult.
Like many of you, I was programmed from a very early age to center my life on romantic relationships. I was raised on Disney princess movies and teen magazines which persuaded me that my main goal in life was to convince a man to love me. I completely took for granted that I’d be able to lock down a decent guy as long as I wore makeup, stayed skinny, and followed These 10 Tricks to Catch His Eye.
The media I consumed didn’t tell me to be proud of my accomplishments, how important female friendships are, and that I’m valuable as my own, independent person. It’s obvious now that Prince Charming would’ve had no interest in me in my 20s. A man who’s a good potential partner couldn’t see me as a good potential partner when I didn’t love or respect myself. It’s hard to admit but I myself wasn’t a quality partner in my 20s. No I didn’t cheat or anything like that, but I didn’t have standards for a healthy give and take in a romantic relationship; I derived too much self-esteem from whether or not I could attract men.
I’m now able to admit that I’ve missed the boat. Just thinking statistically, there are very, very few men who are a good match for me: men who are respectful, kind, monogamous, not addicted to porn, looking for an equal partner not a bangmaid, who share my values, who have their lives together financially and emotionally, live in my area, are close enough to me in age, and are attractive to me. I have no doubt that this already very small population of men are almost entirely in committed, happy relationships- and I honestly wish those couples well. I’m not going to waiver on any of the criteria I listed above just to get a larger pool of men. I’ve tried that and it’s not worth putting up with someone I’m incompatible with just to avoid being single.
And so I’m single and have accepted, logically, that I will be for the rest of my life. I’m here to be honest with you that, for the non-logical side of me, my feelings about being single ebb and flow. Most of the time I’m very much at peace with the life I’ve built, and feel very complete and content. Other times I’m heart wrenchingly sad and lonely. Not finding or even seeking my Prince Charming goes against my personal programming, as well as what I constantly see in media and in the world around me. Attending weddings can be difficult for me. I avoid music with overly sappy lyrics. It can be tough to not have a designated confidant, a shoulder to cry on; even the little things like “this meme made me laugh - who can I share this with?”. Yes I have close female friends, but I won’t lie to you and say they’re a perfect replacement for “The One”.
But at the end of the day, I do know that I’m happier and healthier single than if I had stuck it out with one of the guys that I was “mostly” happy with. When I’m feeling the most lonely, I’m objectively better off than when I had to worry about splitting housework, sharing finances, having to walk on eggshells in my own home, having to plan my every day and my future around someone who didn’t hold up their half of the partnership.
I know that the decision to leave a bad partner is more complicated when you have children. I don’t have children so I’ve never had to make that choice. I am, however, the child of unhappy parents who had an unhealthy marriage. Growing up there was no violence or verbal abuse in my household. But it did permanent damage to my view of relationships to see the lack of love and partnership between my parents. My mother told me that she’s a feminist, but I watched her joylessly take on the vast majority of domestic labor (while also working full time) with little support or affection from my dad. When I started entering romantic relationships, I held the bar so low for men because that’s what my parents showed me was normal and acceptable. I was trapped in a cycle for all of my 20s of having low self-esteem and low standards, leading to unhealthy romantic relationships, then lower self-esteem and standards when those relationships ended. Kids notice and learn from the example you set in your actions and choices. You can preach all you want, but kids internalize what behaviors they see parents actually practice. I’m not blaming my parents for all of my issues with self-esteem and dating, but I would’ve had a leg up if I had internalized what a healthy partnership looks like instead.
I’m writing this to join hands with other women who already feel the same way, and to give food for thought to others who may be in the same boat but don’t realize it yet. I encourage you all to do what’s best for you and you alone, even if it’s sometimes uncomfortable, if not downright heartbreaking.