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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/Aromatic-Frosting-75 on 2023-08-07 11:59:52.

I (37F) read a post about a man ending his relationship because he had come to discover that his future wife had settled for him. The older I get the more I realize that if I am to ever marry, I would have to settle. This is advice women get all the time. We are constantly told to give nice guys a chance, even if we don’t find them attractive or have much of a connection with them, because we are told that he may have other attributes that make him a great partner. And on paper, that makes sense. I understand that. Being unrealistic about what you are looking for a parnter is a one way road to disappointment. No one person will check all your boxes. And yet I cannot stand the thought of settling. I would rather die one. My “check list” isn’t super long or unrealistic, to me at least.

  1. Attraction is important to me. I wish it wasn’t. I wish I could be one of those women who don’t care how their partner looks, but I do. It doesn’t mean I want someone who looks like a model. But I have found that when I am not attracted to someone, I enjoy their company, I just can’t stand being physical with them. We can date and spend time together, but I dread him making a move. Spending the night together is an obligation and a chore that I want over and done with. I have seen how dead bedrooms kill relationships, so I know what I cannot be with someone in a relationship if I am not attracted to them.
  2. Friendship: a partner to me should be my best friend. My confidant. I want someone to support and cheer on, and would like them to do the same for me. I want to have common interests, and be able to talk to them for hours about anything and everything. We don’t have to have all the same hobbies, but we need enough in common to enjoy each other’s company.
  3. Sharing ideals and viewpoints: I want someone who shares my ethics and morals, someone who values kindness and compassion, someone respectful and empathetic. Hobbies change but values remain the same.

The older I get the more I see these are unrealistic. So many men are following the “Andrew Tate” view of the world, maybe because it is easier to imagine a world where women exist for the sole purpose of serving and pleasing men. I enjoy being on my own. I like my own company and my solitude. I know that my “time is running out” to settle down and have a family, and I am learning to be okay with that. I am too much of a romantic to settle. I would rather never marry than marry someone just to get married, even if they ticked all the appropriate boxes that make then a great partner, I may never learn to fall in love with them. I have never been that type of person. I settled in my choice of career, believing in time the financial benefits would make up for how soul destroying it is. I was wrong. I made the choice because of parental pressure, and now know that I have locked myself into an industry I want nothing to do with.

Kudos to those who can settle and find happiness. I just know it isn’t me.

Tldr: I know that in order to settle down, I need to settle for someone. And I would rather die alone than do that.