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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Frosty-Doubt5446 on 2023-08-07 14:12:53.
My (31f) dad and his wife passed away suddenly not long ago. My dad and I were very low contact, but I knew that he and his wife had two daughters, Rosie (2) and Lily (9). Lily has Down’s Syndrome. Neither my dad nor his wife had any immediate family so the girls were put into foster care.
From the moment I heard the news, it has been non stop (lawyers, paperwork, therapy). Through all this the girls’ social worker got in contact to discuss the girls and our options, me being next of kin. Now, my husband and I have been planning to have a child for some time and decided next year would be the right time to start trying, so it’s not like we are planning to be child free. That said, we don’t have the financial (my husband makes good money but we are supporting all our surviving parents as well as ourselves), or practical resources to take on caring for a child with additional needs such as Lily’s (the extent of these was explained by the social worker). We discussed this at the length before starting family planning and the situation has not changed. I told this to the social worker and said I couldn’t be responsible for splitting up the girls. The social worker said that it unlikely the girls will be placed together in foster/adoption home because while they do try to keep siblings together, with Rosie being so young it is likely it will be decided it’s in her best interest to be adopted regardless of whether that’s with Lily.
My husband is on board with the prospect of adopting Rosie, my therapist has given me the names of child psychologists who can monitor her adjustment, I’ve even found myself mindlessly googling preschools.
But I can’t help shake the feeling that I might be the AH for not giving the girls a chance to grow up together. I know that chance is small, but it’s there, and if we adopt Rosie then it’s not. Everyone is telling me it’s the right thing to do to adopt Rosie, that we can give her the life my dad would have wanted for her, and I sort of agree. But on the other hand I don’t know how I would someday explain to her that she didn’t grow up with her sister because of me. Then again, I don’t know how I would explain to an older Rosie that I left her in foster care when I could have taken her in.
I’m tired, and I’m grieving in a weird way, and I just can’t seem to gain perspective on this. Everyone I talk to has some vested interest except my therapist who can’t really tell me what to do. I’m probably going to get eviscerated here but I just need some third party view. WIBTA to adopt her?