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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/Immaslaywhatiwant on 2023-08-05 23:40:07.

I hear this debate come up hear and there where people say that you just need to read the signs and body language because asking something like “can I kiss you?” Is such a mood killer and I just don’t agree.

I dated a guy a while back who didn’t turn out to be a match, but one thing I do still appreciate about having met him to this day is that he sort of taught me to feel comfortable with my boundaries and not live in constant fear to have them disregarded.

When I started dating, I was assaulted on my second ever date with a guy who repeatedly ignored it when I stated my discomfort and that I didn’t wanna do certain things. That left me with a lot of fears and I think this guy I met noticed when I went to his place for the first time after a couple dates and sent him a text to clarify that I didn’t wanna have sex when I meet him. I just felt the need to make that clear because I got really scared.

He barely touched me all evening and asked if he could give me a kiss on the cheek when we said goodnight.

On our next dates he continued to ask for permission each time he wanted to take a step further physically and it made me feel a lot safer to see that he’d actually stop when I said no to something and it generally helped me a lot with communicating my boundaries that he actively asked me and that way invited me to disclose them and protect them.

There were many reasons we didn’t work out, but I’m happy to this day to have had this experience to help me feel safe with intimacy again since my only point of reference prior to this was assault.

My bf is the kind of guy who doesn’t ask but still reads the situation and values consent, but I think I couldn’t have felt as safe and okay with implied consent if I didn’t have this experience with direct consent prior to meeting him.

I could imagine direct consent would help a lot of women (of course also people in general, but women especially are often victims of this) who experienced sexual violence to feel more comfortable with sexual intimacy and talking about boundaries again.