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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Few_Vegetable2038 on 2023-08-04 13:22:25.
My partner (33m) and I (26f) have a 2yo son together and he has an 11yo daughter, Anne from a previous relationship. My relationship with Anne was a bit strained in the beginning as we were still trying to figure each other out but it has drastically improved over the past 3yrs, mostly due to the fact that her mom moved abroad and I had to step into her shoes, basically. It was her birthday last week and I spent the past few months planning everything for the day, as well as her actual party, which is next week. On the day, I organised balloons and cake for her classmates and friends and had everything delivered at school, including her first gift. I wished her a happy birthday and told her I loved her and she replied with an okay, which I felt was strange. I didn’t get a thank you for anything, either. Later on that day, I found out that her mom had come home and surprised her with a dinner or something and effectively told everyone that the party I had planned was cancelled because she had made better plans for her daughter. I was a bit taken aback by this because my partner had been in constant communication with his bm and let her know what my plans were long before I started putting deposits down for the venues, games, activities, etc. I spoke to Anne to ask her what was going on and she told me that she was no longer interested in the party and wanted to spend time with her mom. I told her that her mom was more than welcome to attend the party next week and I would stay home but she turned that suggestion down as well and she hasn’t replied to any of my messages or calls since then. I’m feeling a bit upset by this as I’ve lost thousands in deposits but mostly, I put a lot of work and effort into the planning, only to be snubbed at the last minute. Her dad works unusual hours so I do 90% of everything for her from PTA meetings, fundraisers, homework, pickups and drop-offs, doctors visits, etc and I do this because I love her but idk if I can keep taking this because it happens every time her mom visits, then when she leaves, Anne starts talking to me again. I understand that she’s a child and misses her mother dearly and that’s why I even pay for her flight tickets to visit her as well as resources for international calls but I’m also human. So, reddit, WIBTA if I took a few steps back and asked my partner to take over all her care?
Edits: My partner has split custody with Anne’s grandmother and that’s where her mother showed up to surprise her. Anne’s mother and I don’t have the best relationship as she feels that I’m trying to replace her in Anne’s life. The “thousands” are in Rands (ZAR) and not in dollars. Anne has been taking the lead on the planning from around June and her mother was also kept in the loop on all the details since then, I’m basically just the one making payments while Anne gives me the lists of things she wants to get and do at the party. My partner and I have had multiple conversations with Anne in the past about respecting our efforts and allllll of that and during our latest conversation, she told me that I need to remember that I’m not her mom and that she’ll always end up doing what her mom wants when she’s here.