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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/ninjanups on 2023-08-03 17:29:22.
I got out of an abusive marriage. It ran the whole gamut of offenses - controlling, physical violence, sexual coercion, financial abuse, and emotional abuse. Gaslighting. Everything. I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting on my life. Gabby Petito’s death made a huge impact on me because my ex husband has lost control and strangled me in the past. I also knew that if I had fought back, he would have killed me that day.
Today, I read about the kidnapper in Oregon. The part that stands out the most is that he was caught by the police when he was parked in a parking lot, holding his child and talking to his wife in the car. And my immediate thought was “my ex-husbands new girl friend has absolutely no idea what she walked into. If I were to ever approach her and try to tell her my story, she would never believe me.” I want to make sure NONE of you end up in a situation like mine.
Most people think they have the tools to pick out an abusive person. They. Do. Not. The hardest part about leaving my abusive relationship was the sheer number of people who would rather think “oh it was just a toxic relationship” or “oh they were just incompatible” or “oh he made a mistake, hes so kind and introspective, this is feature of that relationship not of his personality.” It was staggering how few people believed me. They couldnt understand how a man who was SO kind, SO generous could possibly be abusive. He is handsome, charming. Even now, divorced, he is really good at manipulating me and so I try to maintain minimum contact (we have children together).
When I started worrying about him hurting my kids and found out I had no legal recourse, I reached out to his best friend, who is a girl. I told her some of the things he did to me. She didn’t want to hear what I had to say and still supports him. He told me the other day (one way conversation) that she sends him inspirational memes to help him through. So I dropped contact with anyone who knew about the abuse and did not share any outrage.
There is a book called “why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. It is a characterization of men who are abusive. It has a large component of entitlement, lack of empathy, selfishness, unwillingness to confront reality, and minimization. They surround themselves by enablers so the people you meet only every have the best things to say about them, none of those relationships have seen what he’s really like. If you like to read, please include it in your reading.
Ladies, abusive men can’t be spotted. You can only discover them through consistent interaction and a sensitivity to having your boundaries respected. If you meet a drop-dead handsome guy with an outstanding personality, who is ridiculously generous and his wife left him and is scared to give him extra time with his kids… take pause. Be careful. Thats a red flag you shouldn’t ignore.
Dont get sucked in by the “halo effect.” Be safe out there ladies. We deserve compassionate, empathetic partners who will enrich us. Not someone who appears to be everything you want until you’re stuck and trapped.