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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Rainecc on 2023-08-02 16:22:29.
About us: We have been together for 3 years, we are not engaged. We do plan to marry. He just graduated college and got his first major job.
He wants his name on the deed, and I would agree to do so IF he was contributing to the down payment and was an active participant in the entire process. However he isn’t in a position to contribute which I 100% understand, so this means that I have to take care of the entire down payment, closing costs, realtor fees. You name it, it is on me.
I have been the one pursing this, alone. I found my referral agent, they partnered with me to find a lender, I got pre-approved and I hired realtors. I am also touring homes alone. He hasn’t come to one showing with me, I am taking his mom to a few so she feels included.
I do feel it is a bit unfair for him to get his name on the deed at the very end of the process when I have done all of the grunt work, and when I am the one who will be taking care of all of these fees plus a significant down payment.
I feel like there is potential for me to be the asshole if I refuse to put him on the deed… and that it could be unfair to him because he just isn’t in a position /yet/ to help as much as he would like to.
In a perfect cookie cutter world he would be on the deed no questions asked, however we just don’t live in that reality.
Additional context (if needed):
Based on his earnings I have calculated a fair split of the mortgage at 60/40, where I will be taking on the larger portion here. I have factored in his estimated taxes, car insurance (we might share my car, so this could be less), health insurance. Utilities, internet and groceries I have at a 50/50 split. This does leave him with additional funds each month to do with what he pleases.
On my side, any “additional funds” will be allocated to home maintenance or potentially overpayment on the mortgage.
I have also calculated out for myself what the scenario looks like if I have to take on all of these costs alone, it is possible, it would mean I am paycheck to paycheck. I am prepared for this scenario if it is necessary.
I have also had a very intense conversation with him asking if he is “in or out” on this, and on us. I bluntly told him that it is fine if he is “out” but I need to know /now/ because it does impact what I should be preparing for. He said he is in. we are having another conversation tonight and I feel like the deed is going to be a hot topic.