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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/haegeumn on 2023-08-02 11:38:32.

im kind of sick of being told that experiencing anything from excruciating pain from penetration to total numbness is another version of “normal”, which is usually what i get told.

for years (until 22) i never penetrated myself cause the idea was really scary and bizarre to me, but after enough sexual frustration i decided to finally try it on my own. im still a virgin. to be clear i can reach orgasm easily via clitoral stim, but its usually underwhelming. i also have a high sex drive and get aroused very easily, which is why i got sexually frustrated enough to attempt this.

it took me weeks of continually spending about an hour a day trying to get more than 2 fingers inside, i went through multiple lube bottles to do this, and did it while watching porn, while being aroused, while stimulating the clit and i even used a vibrator. it was very painful and uncomfortable, but eventually i loosened up enough to allow 2 fingers in. it felt like nothing.

i then tried for 3 fingers (because at this point i had no hope of ever getting something penis sized in there), and that was a far worse experience. it took a similar amount of time and continual attempts, but when they finally got in there, i bled tremendously, im talking what looked like a cup full of blood. it also hurt a lot. i assumed it was my hymen and kept going. it didnt feel good at all. i took a break and tried again later, it was still uncomfortable. eventually i tried with a small sized dildo, and it was a similar experience with continual trying, using loads of lube, and then a massive amount of blood when i finally was able to fit it inside. when i would try to get the dildo in, it felt like i was hitting a brick wall. when i looked in the hand mirror at the result of my vaginal opening after this, for lack of a better word, it looked like a gunshot wound, and it did not look this way before. this really scared me.

its been months of me doing this, trying to gradually stretch myself open, get past this brick wall, ignore the excruciating pain that induces, ignore the blood, and eventually now my vagina has “opened up” so to speak during arousal in a way that allows me to penetrate myself with a dildo with little pain and no blood.

but after all of this, it doesnt feel even remotely pleasurable. ive tried everything, i bought a $200 g spot vibrator toy, i use a vibe on my clit, ive used my fingers, ive used dildos, ive searched for the gspot, ive done every single technique you can do, ive always made sure i was extremely horny and wet beforehand and i always use excess lube. nothing, no sensation. it feels at worst, uncomfortable and sore and at best like rubbing my fingers in the inside of my cheek.

ive concluded after all of this that ill never be able to have a normal sex life and that ill never receive pleasure from sex and this is devastating. i hate the sensation of something being inside me, it feels icky, wrong, bizarre, uncomfortable and lacks any pleasure. but im also so confused as to why i feel this way, my vagina was physically designed for penetration, im meant to like it or at least be okay with it.

i also have developed resentment towards women in general for lying and saying sex and penetration is good. on top of that, the amount of pressure towards me to use tampons and get pap smears from other women over the years, beginning at the young age of 12, has been traumatic considering the pain and bleeding i experienced just to get 3 fingers inside. i just want to give up, i hate being female because of all of this, whats wrong with me