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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Jealous-Advice-1004 on 2023-08-01 06:01:18.
I (33F) have a niece, Breanna (11). She is going through puberty and is reaching the place where she needs to wear deodorant and shower on a regular basis. It’s still new to her, she told me she just started back in June.
Now, my brother, Kyle (35) struggled with personal hygiene when we were younger. Our parents were neglectful and did not teach us about this kind of stuff. It lead to Kyle and I being teased often. At one point, someone put a “gift” in Kyle’s desk…it was a bar of soap with directions how to use it. Frankly, pretty traumatizing and something I know has stuck with him to this day. Because of this, Kyle has been vigilant about his children’s hygiene. Which is a good thing, that’s how it should be! Yet, he tends to shame his kids a lot when it comes to this stuff. Myself and his wife have talked to him about it, but he says he’s just protecting his kids from going through what he did.
On Saturday, myself, my husband, our 2-year-old daughter, Kyle, his wife and their kids, including Breanna, went out for lunch. When I hugged Breanna, I realized she reeked. Total B.O. I didn’t say anything, though and instead just smiled, gave her a kiss and we sat down, with her sitting between me and her father. I don’t know how Kyle didn’t notice it until then, maybe she had been fine at home but a long, hot car ride had changed things? Anyway, he made a face and said, loudly, “Breanna, did you put on deodorant today?” She got clearly embarrassed and mumbled that she forgot. Kyle sighed loudly and said “You are humming! This is disgusting!” Breanna got visibly upset and was turning bright red from embarrassment. His wife told him to cut it out and said they could discuss it with her later. I rubbed Breanna’s arm and whispered it was okay, sometimes we forget these things, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.
At some point, Breanna raised her arms to grab something and Kyle made another face. He exclaimed “Seriously, Breanna, you can’t go out in public like this!” Breanna looked on the verge of tears. I put an arm around her and asked “How is this solving the problem in the moment?” Kyle said he was just trying to help. I told him he was no better than the people who used to bully him for how he smelled. Breanna and my nephew (14) were confused, so I told the story. Kyle got really embarrassed and was quiet for the rest of the meal. I definitely think it helped Breanna feel better.
Kyle later told me I overstepped my boundaries and that wasn’t my story to tell. I asked how it was any different than him loudly humiliating his daughter? My husband thinks I wasn’t wrong to stand up for Breanna, but how I went about it was bad.