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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Dependent-Lemon-2529 on 2023-07-31 00:13:08.
I (35f) just had to separate from my husband of 6 years after he relapsed into alcoholism during covid after 8 years sober and decided six months ago that he wasn’t going to stop drinking but “manage” it, which has been hell. I moved back to my my mom’s house a month ago to regroup until I start a new job elsewhere next month.
I’m shattered. I’ve been struggling to function and have just been trying to go to the gym once a day before returning to isolate. I haven’t even wanted to see my closest friends for more than a couple hours. My mom gets this and respects my space. My dad (75m) not so much.
My parents are long divorced. My dad deals with trauma by needing constant attention and doesn’t understand when other people don’t want that. I’m used to my dad, but the issue is with his wife (60f). She has always been unpleasant to me but with a smile that come off as “sweet” (i.e. praising me when I was a child with bulimia for wearing things that “hid fat,” telling me I’m lucky to be smart instead of pretty like her daughter is, petty shit like that). Anytime anything bad happens to me she pounces with pseudosympathy and fake smiles and backhanded compliments. My dad is blind to her nastiness even though plenty of people have seen it.
I told my dad that I would be ok to see him for now, but I didn’t want to see his wife until I come back at Christmas. This resulted in many lectures from my dad telling my his wife loves me, plus him dissolving into tears because he’s currently estranged from his wife’s daughter (33f) (for good reasons I won’t go into here that involve her stealing) so he needs me to “be a family” with him and his wife. After almost a month of this, I acquiesced and agreed to a lunch, but told him I was unhappy to go, can barely function, and wouldn’t be able to pretend to be happy to see her. He said ok.
I met them at a restaurant and immediately my father’s wife said “it’s so weird to see you without [ex-husband]” and then asked if I’d be offended if she ordered a mimosa given what I’m going through. I immediately went into giving one-word answers to anything she asked and cut her off to ask my dad questions about pedantic things he’d talk about at length since it’s easy to get him to talk unchecked for a long time. I wasn’t hungry and ate two bites of my food. My father’s wife kept on prodding me to send it back to the kitchen and made a huge scene to call a waiter over to tell him I didn’t like the food and was already going through a “hard time” and should have my meal comped (Food was fine, I just am having trouble eating). At this point I apologized profusely to the waiter and then said goodbye to my dad and left.
My father is very upset and says I should have at least smiled and appreciated that she was trying to “take care of me.” I told him I made it clear that I didn’t want her or anyone to take care of me and that I warned him my coming to this was solely to appease him. AITA?