This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/cfb by /u/2Pollaski2Furious on 2024-08-16 15:37:59+00:00.
Alright everyone. That’s a lot of tank jobs in a very short time. Let’s take a break and enjoy a bit of musical entertain…men…t. Wait, is that…? Oh no-
ASHLEE NICOLLE SIMPSON (lost the Orange Bowl Halftime Show 77,912-0)
There was a time where the Orange Bowl halftime show was even better than the Super Bowl’s. Done generally in a more revue-style than the mini-concerts we’re subjected to to today, Orange Bowl halftimes were filled with bright colors, flashing lights, garish outfits, cheesy lip-synced vocals to popular songs, and the occasional dancing mascot (the 1990 edition had both Garfield AND the Energizer Bunny!). Yes it was cheesy, but it was great, and we loved it. Michael Jackson ruined that when his (admittedly fantastic) performance at Super Bowl XXVII sparked a trend that sent big game halftime shows more and more to just simply having popular artists perform. The Orange Bowl sadly went that way too. For the 2004 season’s edition, they snagged three artists to play- Kelly Clarkson, who was in the midst of her Breakaway (HA!) into the pop-rock style she became mostly known for, country artist Trace “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” Adkins, and Simpson herself.
While her much more famous sister Jessica had been a bubblegum pop queen, Ashlee had elected for more of an edge to her music, trying for the pop-rock princess angle that was being popularized by the likes of Clarkson and Avril Lavigne. But three months before the Orange Bowl, Simpson had appeared on Saturday Night Live. In one of the most notorious segments in show history, a vocal track- the wrong vocal track- had begun to play as her second song started, revealing Simpson had been lip syncing the entire evening. With naught else to do, Simpson danced a weird little jig then slowly slunk off the stage, and later tried to pass it off that she had been fighting an illness and had nearly lost her voice, and the vocal track had been meant to cover that. Nonetheless, backlash had been severe, and the Orange Bowl was really her first major performance since the SNL debacle.
Even as the opening chords to her new song, “La-La” kicked in, the jeers were starting. And… it was off. Everything about it was off- the vocals, the timing, the choreography… Simpson later claimed her and her band’s earpieces weren’t working, which threw everything in disarray. Dressed in an alt-style t-shirt made to look like a football jersey, the 20-year old did her best, jumping around the stage amidst a flock of cavorting black-and-white clad cheerleaders. With a final “You make me wanna… SCREAM” Simpson grinned awkwardly at the camera while the jeers of nearly 78,000 voices cascaded down around her.
Of course, they might have been mad about something else…
25: OKLAHOMA SOONERS (lost to USC 55-19) [2004]
While BCS controversies had been a thing since nearly the beginning, in 2004 they hit a new level- three undefeated teams, all from Power Conferences, all with a legitimate claim to play in the National Championship (there was a fourth as well, but nobody gave Utah a second thought and stuffed them in the Fiesta Bowl to maul an unranked Pitt to death). When the smoke cleared from the BCS computers doing math, Auburn was out, and it would be USC and Oklahoma facing off in the title game. It was a bit of a redemption story for both teams- Oklahoma had lost the previous year’s title game to LSU, while USC had been snubbed entirely, despite being the #1 team in the AP Poll, resulting in a split national championship- the very thing the BCS had been created to prevent. In addition, the Orange Bowl National Championship would be the first time in college football history to feature two Heisman winners on the same field- current winner Matt Leinart facing off against the previous year’s Jason White. Additionally, the runner-up- Adrian Peterson, lined up in the Sooner’s backfield next to White while Reggie Bush- who would go on to claim the trophy the next year- accompanied Leinart on the Trojan side. It was set to be a true battle for the ages.
Reality proved less kind. The Sooners did score on their first drive, but USC began to take control of the game, scoring four times in a ten minute span. Petersen was held to just 3.28 yards per carry, while three of the Sooners five turnovers came off White interceptions. By the time Simpson took the stage at halftime, it was already a 38-10 bloodbath, and the discontent might have been added to by the misery of Sooner Nation along with neutrals who were now firmly wondering if Auburn might have been a more worthy participant. The second half was about as lame duck as lame duck can be, and for several years afterwards “55-19” was a colloquial verb used to indicate when you thoroughly just beat the hell out of something. Such as several years later, when the NCAA 55-19’d the Trojans for impermissible benefits by Bush, stripping USC of their title and Bush of his 2005 Heisman.
And we all resolved that we would NEVER snub the SEC from a chance at the national championship ever again. So go ahead and blame USC, Florida State. They deserve it. Speaking of deserving it…
24: OREGON DUCKS (lost to TCU 47-41) [2015]
Over the past decade or so, I would say the Alamo Bowl has been the best of the non-BCS/NY6 Bowl Games. It makes sense- the game featured the top teams from the Pac-12 and the Big 12 to not make the NY6, and unlike the Big Ten or SEC, neither conference was known for getting a glut of teams in the big games, meaning the game often featured two near-misses eager to prove themselves. Such was this one, between the #11 Horned Frogs, who entered 10-2, and the #15 Ducks, who were 9-3. Everyone expected a track meet- both teams were averaging about 42 points per game. But TCU starting QB Trevone Boykin had been suspended after being in a bar fight, and the Frogs showed at the start, mustering up just 102 yards in the first half, while Vernon Adams and the Ducks offense had their way with the Frogs defense, and by the time halftime rolled around, the Ducks were up 31-0.
But just before halftime Adams was injured when he knocked heads with a TCU linebacker, and backup Jeff Lockie came in ice cold, while TCU backup Bram Kohlhausen finally got the Frogs offense in gear. The first sign of trouble emerged when TCU scored their first touchdown to close the gap to 31-10, then Oregon fumbled away the kickoff. TCU scored again, closing the gap to 14. The Frogs could only muster a field goal on their next drive, but found the end zone on the next and hit the two point conversion to close the gap to just three points. With 19 seconds remaining, they made up that last bit on a 22-yard Jaden Oberkaum field goal (that’s right- they came within five yards of actually ending this in regulation). IN the extra period, Oregon finally got going again, matching TCU’s touchdown, and then the teams traded field goals in the second OT. In the third, TCU scored on a Kohlhausen run, while Lockie’s last ditch pass fell incomplete, sending the Frogs home jubilant. The 31-point comeback is tied with Texas Tech’s effort against Minnesota in the Insight Bowl as the largest in Bowl history.
23: UCLA BRUINS (lost to Arizona 52-14) [2005]
Throughout much of the mid-2000s, the Pac-10 was disparagingly known as “USC and the Nine Dwarves”. While that wasn’t entirely fair- Cal, Oregon, and UCLA all had very good seasons during this period, the fact is it was a definite low point for teams like Washington, Washington State, Arizona, and Stanford. When half the conference is bottoming out, it definitely doesn’t help its reputation. (Eventually everyone regressed more or less to the mean and the league turned into the glorious orgy of self-cannibalization it became beloved for). And even among the good teams, it was games like this that kept the conference from getting national respect.
And make no mistake about it- Arizona was awful, and had been awful for years. Under previous coach John Mackovic, the Wildcats had gone just 4-20 in conference play, and at this point in Mike Stoops (yes, Bob’s son and Mark’s brother) second season, they were just 3-10. The Bruins, meanwhile, were 8-0, ranked 7th in the nation and just a couple weeks away from a massive showdown against top-ranked USC. So of course Arizona, behind true freshman Willie Tuitama (who had his redshirt burned the previous week) scored on their first four drives, and led 28-0 just twenty minutes into the game. The second half was just as bad, with Arizona scoring, then returning a punt for a touchdown, then later forcing a fumble in the end zone and recovering to take a 52-7 lead into the final period. Arizona would get crushed at home the next week by a 1-win Washington team, dashing any hope that this was the start of a great turnaround for the Cats. UCLA would go on to that epic showdown against USC and get blown apart 66-19.
Maybe they really were the Nine Dwarves after all…
22: GEORGIA BULLDOGS (lost to Alabama 26-23) [2017]
You could do an entire list of all the ways Alabama has absolutely destroyed Georgia’s soul over the years. There’s the 2012 game, where Georgia fell just a couple yards short of advancing to the national championship. Or the much hyped 2015 game where Bama destroyed them 38-10 (I can’t find it but there’s an absolutely BRUTAL highlight video set to “Rainy Night in Georgia” about this game). Or the 2018…
Content cut off. Read original on old.reddit.com/…/tank_job_of_the_week_you_make_me…