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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/Accomplished_Hall_21 on 2023-07-30 19:58:24.
To set the scene, I (26, F) am currently in a PhD program in STEM in the Midwest. I’m a brown non-US citizen who worked very hard to get into this program, and I really do enjoy the science, even if it is stressful. Doing w PhD is the best way for me to move forward with my immigration plans and continue a career in the field I love, which would not be possible in my home country. I’ve lived in the US on and off for 10 years now so I’m pretty used to it. My accent is completely American and people don’t usually know that I grew up in a different country unless I mention it.
While I’m excited about the scientific opportunities I’ll have, my life as a whole is taking a toll on me. It just sucks - absolutely sucks - that I have to live life here in this Midwest town as a brown woman for the next three years. All my friends here are in relationships or are actively dating with success. Most of my friends outside of this city are also in relationships/traveling/trying new things/moving forward with their lives. I feel so alone, so stuck. My roommate, a white woman, got out of a 7 year relationship and then started dating a nice man almost immediately after. I just don’t get how that happens to people and it breaks my heart whenever I open Hinge or whatever and see like one like a week.
I should mention that I have had limited success with men most of my life. I have always, always wanted a partner, and while I’ve been in a few relationships they’ve never lasted and I’ve never been treated well by men as a whole. I think I’m very average looking, but I’m fun and kind and very smart and funny. All this loneliness just feels amplified in this sea of white men who only want white women. As a brown woman, I feel like I have to be extra hot, extra attractive, extra flirty for me to even compare. I alternate between ‘why would you let these people who you don’t even know, who don’t know you or where you come from or what you’ve been through to define your life’ and ‘you’re probably going to be alone forever’. I know I’m not alone in this, as the one other brown single woman I know here feels the same way (which makes me feel a little bit better about myself but not by a lot).
I keep telling myself that it’ll be better when I graduate but I’ll be 30 by then and who knows where I’ll end up in this economy. I’m just so tired of having to do everything alone, and the possibility of having to do it alone for the rest of my life just makes me want to end things. I haven’t had sex in almost 2 years now and I feel so overwhelmingly lonely. And ofc my parents think I should have an arranged marriage and try to set me up with painfully boring men. I’m beginning to think that that is all that I deserve and that I’m not meant for romance in this life.
I am trying actively to do things that make me happy. I have hobbies, I try to excercise now and again. I cherish my friendships as best I can. I’m in therapy. I’m good at spending time by myself but I’m tired of spending time by myself.
It just takes a huge toll on one’s self esteem and mental health to feel like you’ll never be cherished or loved, not because of who you are, but because of what you are.