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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Merimias on 2023-07-30 11:46:10.

I [24M], and my friend A [25M] have been friends for years. Recently, I came back to my hometown after graduating for college. For a huge mix of reasons, A was my only friend left in my hometown, and took it upon himself to introduce me to the friends he made while I was away which I really appreciated.

Now I’m a proud member of the alphabet mafia, and A’s known for a long time and been relatively cool about it. That being said, we both come from fairly traditional households, and more to the point our hometown is overall pretty conservative. A 2019 census largely held that less than 50% of the population supported gay marriage, if you’re into statistics. In coming out I have lost a couple friends; not just from homophobia, but because I was not necessarily the easiest person to deal with while I was figuring my sexuality out.

All this to say that when I was introduced to A’s friends, I wasn’t sure what their overall attitudes towards LGBTQ issues were (A never asked them). Thus, I asked A to keep my sexuality quiet while I assessed the situation.

This went on for a couple weeks and roughly three hangouts before I figured that it would be okay to ‘come out’. So when we were talking about each other’s types yesterday evening over a couple drinks, I started sharing about my preferences. I noticed at the time that a few were giving A significant looks, and that he seemed a little awkward, but I didn’t pay it any attention at the time.

After the hangout on the way home, however, A told me that he felt awkward for being “caught out in a lie”. Apparently they’d asked A whether I was gay or not, and he’d been noncommittal about it. When I came out, he said he was caught off guard and didn’t appreciate being made to feel like he was lying to his friends. He asked that in the future I let him know when I “intend” to tell people so he can emotionally prepare himself.

I, to put it plainly, found the whole thing absurd. I told him that when and how I come out is often a matter of opportunity and timing, and while I’ll try to tell him when I am comfortable in the future, that ‘planning’ to come out felt like a rehash of my teenage years I’d rather avoid.

Moreover, I found his awkwardness strange; he was perfectly fine protecting other people’s privacy - divorces, weddings, and other sensitive information that he is fine keeping mum about. I wasn’t sure why this was the dealbreaker for him.

In any case, we had a minor argument about the whole thing and after sleeping on in I’m wondering if I was TA. He does have a point - he is lying on my behalf and I shouldn’t be vilifying him for feeling awkward (a normal response to having to keep secrets from people you trust!). That being said, the part of me that is still very much hurt from years of stigma says that he has no right to dictate the when’s and how’s of my intimate life.

Thus, I submit myself to the Reddit gods. AITA for forcing my friend to lie about my sexuality on my behalf?

EDIT: Sorry I realise I wasn’t clear on what exactly I asked him to do. We had agreed prior that he was not to bring it up, but if someone asked that he would deflect the question. I never asked him to claim that I was straight.

In addition, I realise that there may be two separate TA issues here:

  1. My initial request on keeping mum

  2. My response to his request for a heads up. My defence for that is simply that I wasn’t planning to last night, but I was put on the spot in asking for my preference in girls - and I felt too emotionally drained to lie.