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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/Few_Asparagus_6638 on 2023-07-30 15:06:26.
Setting healthy boundaries is essential and yet many of us fail to do it for fear of appearing too needy, selfish or mean, or feeling like we don’t have the right to ask for what we want. But by not pushing through the temporary discomfort of a frank conversation about what you need, you risk creating a future in which people repeatedly (and often unknowingly) do things that hurt, worry or stress you.
Failure to set boundaries is a sure-fire way to invite resentment, bitterness and disconnection to your relationships. Caveat: Some people will try to change or control others’ behaviour under the guise of “boundary setting”. This is not boundary setting; it’s emotional manipulation.
Healthy boundaries involve knowing your needs and values. That’s why the first – and often missed – step is to start with honing your emotional and physical self-awareness. Some people use journaling, others have a mindfulness or meditation practice. I’m someone with a short attention span who relates to stories, so I’ve used a choose-your-own-adventure app that was developed with a therapist to gamify self-reflection (www.theinbetween.world if anyone finds this useful).
The next step is to honour the messages your emotions send, rather than telling yourself “it doesn’t matter” or to “stop overreacting”. To put it simply, If something doesn’t feel okay, then it’s not okay.
Finally, with boundaries, clear communication is everything. If you don’t tell someone what is and isn’t okay for you, then you can’t expect them to know. What you need to do is clearly define the boundary as well as your expectations, needs and values. Also, by using “I” statements to express your emotions, you’ll minimise the chance of conflict. Just make sure you put an actual emotion after the word “felt” — such as “angry”, “afraid” or “frustrated” — and not a judgement or accusation dressed up as an emotion. There’s a big difference between saying “I felt hurt” and “I felt like you just never listen to me”.