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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/DeCryingShame on 2023-07-29 22:50:35.
I dated this guy for around two years. There were lots of problems. I did everything I could to fix them but nothing worked because he wasn’t willing to put in the work himself. He would agree to changes but then not change. When I set boundaries, he would keep pressuring me into removing them.
A few months ago I asked if we could just be friends. I thought I could hang on to the good parts of the relationship that way. But recently he wore me down and as I let him in a bit more, all the old issues cropped up.
Because I’ve been in abusive relationships throughout my life, I kept trying to make it work because this one wasn’t abusive. But I am finally ready to admit that it won’t work. It might not be abusive but it definitely isn’t a healthy relationship. That became obvious after a comment he made today.
A couple of weeks ago he was really high one day. We were driving and he said that if I ever join his church again (my old religion) then he would take me to the alter. The way he said it, it sounded like the only thing stopping us from getting married was religious differences.
I said, “it sounds like you are proposing to me,” and he replied, “yes, I am with conditions.”
So I responded, “Okay, well the answer is no. Even without the religious differences, there are problems that would prevent me from marrying you.”
I pretty much forgot all about it until today because, as I said, he was super high. I didn’t take it seriously.
The past couple of days I’ve been deeply thinking about whether I need to completely end our friendship because I see no solutions to the problems between us. He simply isn’t willing to put any effort into the relationship outside of putting pressure on me to do things how he wants and occasionally throwing me a few crumbs to soothe things over.
Last night he texted to invite me to something today so I told him I needed some space. He told me he thought things were fine–actually getting better. I made sure not to sound like I was blaming him for anything because that just puts him on his guard and gets us no where. I simply explained that there were issues between us I had tried to resolve and couldn’t. I told him talking wouldn’t change anything, I just needed to make a decision.
But he kept texting, trying to sway me, and that’s when he threw this shining jewel of obliviousness at me: “I thought your answer to my proposal was “maybe.” If I misunderstood, then I apologize.”
If it hadn’t been for months of him totally ignoring my boundaries, maybe I would have tried to talk to him about it. But seriously, demonstrating to me that he missed my entirely clear response on something pretty damn important did not make me want to stick it out with him.
That comment was the death knell to any future between us.
I still have to let him know but in my mind and heart, I know it’s over.