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The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/damagedhotmess on 2023-07-27 23:04:47.
I have no friends. I have barely any family. My self esteem was always bad but since being with him, it’s gone. I have none. Zero. My post history is a testament to my sad life and my severe mental health issues. Having to post on reddit because I have nobody in real life.
I’m terrified to be alone. But I also know being with him is killing me. I’m worried being alone with my own thoughts all the time, and nobody around, will wreck me even more. I know I need to leave before I end up with my own episode of dateline, I just have no idea how to even do this. Everyone says to rely on your support network but I have none.
I have two kids (they have never met my abusive boyfriend and never will) who I have 50% of the time. If it wasn’t for them I’d probably be suicidal. I want so much to be better for them, to show them what a strong woman looks like. Instead, when I get them back from their dad, I’m run down and depressed and distant because I’d just spent time with a horrible person who enjoys making me think I’m ugly and stupid and has violent tendencies. I’m worried once I end it, the floodgates will open and I’ll drown completely. I’m trying to keep it all together and I’m failing and I don’t know how to do this alone. I genuinely hate myself. I can’t afford therapy and am on the wait list for free therapy. I feel like I’m trying but it’s not good enough. It feels like a hole I can’t dig out of. Then the voices in my head tell me I don’t deserve to. And I’m so exhausted.