"After measuring the blood-oxygen levels of children before and after they wore masks while sprinting around the park, we discovered that the kids running around with masks stayed 75% safe from breathing in oxygen molecules," said Dr. Kron Neblork in the abstract for the study that was circulated through several leading medical journals. "This is a good thing, as we have also found connections between people who breathe oxygen and people who die. Also Dr. Fauci, blessings be upon his holy name, told us so."