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The original was posted on /r/cfb by /u/McWaylon on 2024-05-27 22:19:55+00:00.
Ole Miss is the Al Bundy of the SEC, a former great program at one time who has lived in misery ever since. No matter who is coaching, who the QB is, who’s running the athletic department, there’s never any question that they will ever win the SEC again.
Let’s Begin this turnstile of suck!!!
Part 1: The Early Years:
1896-1947: AKA You stink for a long time!!!
You start hot the first 3 years but descend into mediocrity for a while aside from some notable years. In 1905, you play a whole season without a coach at all and go winless. In 1907 you again go winless and blow the Egg Bowl against Mississippi A&M (aka Mississippi State) in a 15-0 route thanks to coach Frank Mason giving the boys alcohol to keep the team warm. After the loss, Mason doesn’t even return to get fired he just ****s off back to Massachusetts in shame. You get to your first bowl game in 1921 and lost the Bacardi Bowl to a local Cuban school. You are pretty much awful until 1935 when you get to the Orange Bowl only to be beaten by Catholic University. That’s pretty much it until 1947.
Part 2: The Johnny Vaught Years: AKA The Golden era!!!
1947: You hire Johnny Vaught who leads you to greatness until the 1970s. You actually win the SEC for the first time ever and beat TCU to win your first bowl in the Delta Bowl. Alright some success for once.
1948-1955: You go up and down over the years with your only Bowl appearance being a defeat in the 1952 Sugar Bowl to Georgia Tech. Even Johnny is not perfect.
1954: You won the SEC only to lose to Navy in the Sugar Bowl. Ugh
1955: You repeat as SEC champs and beat TCU in the Cotton Bowl. Alright a good year
1956-1958: You flame out in 56 but come back to beat Texas in the Sugar Bowl in 57 and beat Florida in the Gator Bowl in 58. Now we are cooking.
*Hallelujah plays*
1959: You have your best year at this point and finish #2 and beat #3 LSU in the Sugar Bowl. The AP and Coaches Poll has you #1 alongside Syracuse but the NCAA decides Syracuse is #1 instead. Well you can at least say your are national champs kind of.
1960: You do even better and go undefeated with your only blemish being a tie to LSU. You beat Rice in the Sugar Bowl but Minnesota was given #1 before their bowl which they lose so you are awarded the national title. Congrats a winner is you for once.
1961: You fall off and lose your Cotton bowl appearance to Texas.
*Plays we shall overcome*
1962: HOO BOY this year…whew what a glorious mess. There’s a reason this team got a 30 for 30 episode. Well your team goes undefeated completely to have their best record ever, but you don’t get to be considered for a National title due to well….your campus ****ing rioting at James Meredith (the first African American to attend Ole Miss) being allowed to go to school there. Meredith is allowed to go to school (he endured much before and after the riots) only with federal protection. There’s little proof the team was in on the riot but in the ruckus caused mostly by outside troublemakers, 2 people are dead and lot of people hurt. Despite this mess, you fry up Arkansas in the Cotton Bowl to finish #3. Many believe if the riots had not happened, you would have won another national title. On a serious note: the 30 for 30 episode is called Ghosts of Ole Miss if you wanna watch it, it’s pretty good.
*Prepare the themes of mediocrity*
1963: You repeat as SEC champs but fall to Bama in the Sugar Bowl. Get ready because failure and mediocrity became your bed partners.
1964-1970: You are inconsistent and do good record wise but have a mixed bowl record till Johnny Vaught retires. Your most famous player shows in 1968-1970, that being Archie Manning the father of Peyton and Eli Manning (you may have heard of them).
Part 3: 1971 to 2007: An era of blue balls and Irritable Bowl Syndrome
1971- 1982: With Johnny retired and Archie going to his doom in the New Orleans Saints (back when they were the worst team in sports usually), you settle into a decade of flat little with Steve Sloan and Ken Cooper as your coaches. You are not very good at all and no bowl appearances of note. The one highlight of this era is that somehow you beat Notre Dame in 1977, giving them their lone loss on their way to another national title. Seriously how the **** did you win that game?!?
1983: the Billy Brewer era starts. You ban the Rebel flag at football games due to an African American cheerleader saying he wont go out until the measure is done. Sure the fanbase wont like it mostly but its the right move. The fanbase responds by telling the college to go **** itself. You still are mid but you win the Egg Bowl against the hated Mississippi state in the weirdest way possible via the Immaculate Deflection (where state kicks a winning FG dead on only for the wind to swat it away). The only time both teams cheered the same FG a reporter recalls. Look it up on YT, it’s just impossible to believe it without seeing it.
1984-1994: Brewer leaves in 93 with a bland record and a decent bowl record the few times he gets you there. Joe Lee Duncan lasts just one year of you sucking, and gets sacked although another reason he is booted out is that he did not get Archie’s son Peyton to join Ole Miss as he goes to Tennessee instead, a scenario that breeds a wee bit resentment between the school and their most famous player.
1995-1998: Ah the Tommy Tuberville days, yes THAT Tommy Tuberville. Before he became a current US senator, he was a football coach for Ole Miss. He does ok-ish all four years, his high point being the 97 Egg Bowl where he goes for two at the end of the game to win and pulls it off to beat State 15-14. His low point is leaving in 98 only to sign with SEC rival Auburn. Also in 97 the rebel flag ban finally works when instead of the symbol you ban the sticks that hold up the flag. As for Tommy Tuberville, to this day he is considered a sniveling boob in Oxford due to his betrayal.
1999-2004: You are still a pile of meh pudding under David Catcliff except for 2003. One of his hallmarks of brilliance occurred in the 1999 Egg Bowl, where instead of kneeling to go to overtime, you pass the ball deep in your territory only for it to be deflected by a state players foot, picked and ran back to give state a winning FG, ****ing genius call there you idiots. Anywho 2003 was the year Eli Manning broke out and became a folk hero (he was happy to come to Ole Miss unlike his brother that we don’t talk about who does Nationwide commercials). You tie with LSU to win the SEC West but LSU gets the nod due to the head to head victory. You beat Oklahoma State in the Cotton Bowl to cap off Eli’s brief rise to greatness. Not bad all things considered. Also how the hell do you keep losing to Memphis like every ****ing year. 2003 is also the year Colonel Reb, the on and off mascot of the school for over 70 years is banned on the sidelines by Chancellor Robert Khayat. They try to get a new mascot by fan polling but the fanbase is so PO’ed that they give up for a few years.
*fart sounds*
05-07: Catcliff is gone and Ed Oregeron is here. Before he led LSU to the top, he had a bathroom break here and the teams are poo incarnate. You are wretched all 3 years and blowing a 14-0 lead to state in the 2007 Egg Bowl in 8 minutes is the last straw. Ed is sent packing, ironically becoming probably the worst coach you ever have in the modern era.
Part 4: The era of Triumph and complete death(nearly)
2008: You grab Houston Nutt out of Arkansas and you are actually good? You even beat the Tim Tebow Florida Gators in the swamp the year they win the national title? What just happened, where am i? You go on to beat a much hyped Texas Tech team in the Cotton Bowl as well, hmm easily your best year in a long time, Well Done.
2009: You have the same record as last year but you get skull-****ed by a very bad State team in the Egg Bowl. Even another Cotton Bowl win cant get the stink of defeat out of your fans teeth.
2010-2011: The mascot controversy begins anew when a new search is called for. Despite a strong push for Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars as the mascot (he was a rebel so it works), the school poopoos that and wants something lame instead, it also turns out Lucasarts passed on the idea. Shame as it would have better than what happened to Star Wars when the Disney people got their hands on it. Ole Miss picks the Black Bear as the mascot, nobody gives a ****. Fans of Colonel Reb still make merch and have unofficial appearances at the ball games to this day and the school just said “Screw it”, gave up and moved on. As for the team: The Nutt era busts and ends in a complete collapse. YOU LOSE EVERY GAME (granted some are by vacates but still) including the most humiliating loss you ever have at home in getting bounced by FCS school Jacksonville State in 2 OTs on opening day. Oh and every SEC team makes you its female dog, even ****ing Vanderbilt. Nutt is sent to the Shadow Realm after 2011. Good grief your team sucks these years.
2012: Bring on Hugh Freeze, in 2012 he does alright but nothing special.
2013: You start good and go 7-4 and beat GT in the Music City Bowl.
2014: Chancellor Dan Jones continues the ban train by banning the band from playing Dixie, the most famous song the band ever played in their history. Its goes about as well as you expect, Dan Jones is not renewed and sent packing and the end of the school year. You guys get cooki…
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