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The original was posted on /r/cfb by /u/McWaylon on 2024-05-12 19:14:31+00:00.
IT"S BOBBY TIME!!!
In the history of the NFL there are your great coaches who echo across time. You have your all-time iconic greats like Vince Lomardi, Don Schula, Bill Walsh, Mike Ditka (Bears), John Madden, Bill Parcells, Tom Landry, Bill Belichick, and Chuck Noll. You have your favorites who never got to icon status: Hank Stram, Jerry Glanville, Sean Payton, Marty Schottenheimer, Joe Gibbs, John Gruden, Mark Levy, and Bud Grant.
Then you have them, the worst of the worst, names that uttered even now brings up bad memories, drunken vitriol, and food thrown in your direction, the worst head coaches of all time. The list is numerous and as infamous as it gets, who can’t forget some of these bastions of the hall of shame. You have the more well-known fools like Rod Rust, Hue Jackson (Mr. 0-16), Rich Kotite, Steve Spurrier, Mike Ditka (Saints), Bill Peterson (the exploding Bomb of Houston), Rod Marinelli (the other Mr. 0-16), Lane Kiffin, Nick Sabin, every Tampa Bay coach after John McKay until Gruden,Dick Nolan, Urban Meyer, Lou Holtz, and Chip Kelly. (I could have listed like 30 others) A common theme of failure is that these coaches tend to have a college background before coming to the big leagues: for everyone who wins the big one like Pete Carroll and Barry Switzer, you get a litany of failures. Even college greats fail on the NFL stage (just look at the list above) before either going back to college (like Sabin) or disappearing into the vapors never to be seen again (Bob Gipson, the “mastermind” of the Miracle at the Meadowlands).
In all this, you can make an argument for at least 50 names as to who’s the worst of all including many I just listed, but there’s one I haven’t mentioned yet. A name that makes fans burn with anger, and the NFL spit in disgust. That man is Bobby Petrino, a name laced with words like self-serving, backstabbing, coward, scum****, morally repugnant, and piece of ****. You may call him many names, but I call him the worst NFL head coach of all time.
Early years:
Bobby starts small coaching QBs at Carroll and Weber State. Then moves on to stints at AZ State, Idaho, and becomes Offensive Coordinator at Utah State, Nevada, before his first of a couple of stints at Louisville where his destiny with deceit begins. The only real QB of note he works with is future NFL journeyman Jake Plummer. Bobby then bounces up to the NFL doing a 3-year bit as OC for the Jaguars. This would be the high point of his NFL career. Then in 2002 he goes to college to be OC and head stooge for the bastion of common sense and respectability that is Auburn’s Head Coach and future senator Tommy Tuberville, who himself is as beloved as a genital wart everywhere except in Alabama.
The Head Coach Years:
Ol Bob finally gets a shot at the top of the coaching table by becoming the HC at Louisville. In 2003 the Cardinals were still seen as just a basketball school lounging in the CUSA, but Bobby takes them to 9-4 only to fall to Miami (the Redhawks not the hurricanes) in the GMAC Bowl. In 2004, the cards go 11-1 and Bobby’s boys beat the upstart undefeated Boise State in the Liberty Bowl. In 2005 Louisville heads east to join the Big East, they go 9-3 but fall to Virginia Tech in the Liberty Bowl. In 2006 Bobby hits his peak going 11-1 and beating a good Wake Forest team to take the Orange Bowl. Petrino is rewarded with a 10 year 25-million-dollar extension, but he has other plans.
2007: Just 6 months into his new deal with Louisville, Bobby gets the call he has wanted forever. The Falcons and Arthur Blank, their Gomez Adams wannabe owner, demand his services in making Michael Vick the complete QB package. Petrino is signed to a 5-year deal worth 25 million. The Cardinals are enraged but Petrino had snuck in a 1 million buyout clause to get out of his previous contract. Karma quickly comes for Bobby even before the season kicks off. Vick is busted for dog fighting and is going to jail. Also, the Falcons in yet another example of their idiocy as a franchise had already traded their backup Matt Schaub to Houston before the Vick bomb was detonated on them. The season is ****ed from the get-go, Bobby succeeds in going 3-10 (the Falcons finish at 4-11), and hates losing so bad he wants out again. After getting their asses kicked at home by the New Orleans Saints, the next day Bobby Petrino is gone, everything cleared out and nothing is left but some notes on players lockers announcing he resigns as HC effective immediately. Atlanta is shocked, just a day earlier Bobby promised Blank that he was staying. Reportedly he had already made plans to walk away and go to Arkansas. Since Blank refused the Hogs offer to negotiate and Arkansas wanting him now even before the NFL season ended, Bobby resigns to take over the Razorbacks. Turns out Jerry Jones was an Arkansas alum and tried to get Blank to let Bobby go to Arkansas as well. To add one last bit of salt in the wound, Petrino shows up to a Razorback press conference and does the Hog Call just days after leaving the Falcons to wither and die. Petrino is subsequently blacklisted from the NFL and never allowed to return. Bobby also made his players feel like nothing since he apparently had no interest in helping the Falcons players and didn’t care if they played well or not. What’s foolish is that Bobby may have thrived if he stayed since the Falcons would draft Matt Ryan the following season and go on to do respectfully. Despite the media hounding him and Arkansas for their deceit, they don’t care its SEC Football baby. At least Urban Meyer and Hue Jackson took their firings like men instead of hightailing the first chance a new job came around. Arkansas and other schools would learn the price of dealing with Petrino.
Whew that was bad, that was an all-time disaster at Atlanta, certainly it couldnt get worse for Bobby right?!?
The Arkansas days (WAIT THERES MORE? Oh we’ve just started):
2008: Bobby gets a 3 million dollar a year deal for 7 years. The Hogs go 5-7 in year one and no bowl.
2009: The Razorbacks go 8-5 but they beat East Carolina in the Liberty Bowl.
2010: Bobby leads Arkansas to their best record year at 10-3 only to be beaten by Ohio State in the Sugar Bowl.
2011: Bobby gets the hogs back to 11-2 including a Cotton Bowl victory over Kansas State. The skys the limit no can go wrong now right…?
*Insert meme music, eh let’s go Super Mario World map theme the first one when the game starts*
2012: In April, Bobby gets into a major motorcycle crash and gets thrashed pretty good. It turns out though, he wasn’t alone but with a student athletic coordinator named Jessica Dornell. Bobby says he was the only one on board but when the cops say that isn’t true, Petrino fesses up to having an affair with Dornell. Jeff Long the athletic director (and another noted piece of ****person) who got Petrino to Arkansas is humiliated and suspends Bobby pending an investigation. Petrino in the picture that will describe his legacy forever, comes out of the hospital looking like Freddie Krueger after he got face-****ed by a cinderblock, is confronted immediately by the media about the other passenger. Bobby is fired less than a week later. Turns out the affair was well known in the football program, with Dornell getting expensive gifts from Bobby and he got her hired without the school knowing of the affair. Bobby spends the summer doing media interviews as well as apologizing to players.
2013: The only college that will take Petrino is Western Kentucky out of the Sun Belt. Bobby is forced to take the base salary and takes them to an 8-4 record but no bowl invite most likely due to Petrino himself. The college wisely learns from other college’s mistakes and says if he breaks his contract, he must pay over a million back for six months after he leaves. Meaning WKU pulled a successful pro-gamer move and got Petrino to pay THEM to let him coach. Brilliant big brain move there I’d say.
2014: What? Louisville wants you back. Bobby ****ed you before, the Falcons, Arkansas and his own family and you still want him back. Tom Zurich, the AD of Louisville, is unsure about this due to most of Bobby’s former players being flameouts and getting kicked out of school mostly due to rampant drug issues. Yet they want him back, so this perverse marriage is made reality once again. You go 9-4 but get stomped by Georgia in the Belk Bowl.
2015: Bobby goes 8-5 thanks to his new QB…wait no way Lamar Jackson, well does that explain their success. The cardinals won the Music City Bowl against A&M too.
2016: 9-4 again and Petrino and Jackson win the ACC, their prize is getting Magikarped by LSU in the Citrus Bowl.
2017: 8-5 again and Petrino and company loses the Taxslayer Bowl to Mississippi State (they didn’t have a starting QB and Dan Mullen already jetted to Florida and you still lose). Other things are brewing in Cardinal land but more on that next year.
2018: The wheels on the Jackson/Petrino/Cardinal bus goes off the cliff when Lamar sees that Madden money and declares for the draft and becomes a superstar. The Cardinals completely fall apart at 2-10 including going 0-7 in ACC play, Bobby is fired yet again before the season is over. As bad as Petrino is here, Louisville has completely cratered as well. This was the year the Basketball team got lit up by the NCAA for many years of shady stuff under Rick Pitino. Pitino and AD Zurich were ****canned as w…
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