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The original was posted on /r/cfb by /u/CommodoreN7 on 2024-03-30 14:33:36.
It is 2024, for over 150 years sickos have enjoyed the sport of college football. The Dark Lord Saban has left his crimson throne. In the grim darkness of the modern CFB landscape, there is only memes.
So, it’s the off-season and I am once again going to compare FBS teams to the 20 18 legions of the Imperium of Man from Warhammer 40k. I have dove deep into 40k lore since my original post and am now a full blown heretic to Chaos in CFB and 40k. If you wanna discuss my fav legions or other lore feel free to comment / message me.
Dark Angels - Army
The Dark Angels are technologically advanced, knightly orders with a celebrated history before most other legions really existed and have fallen relatively off since. They have resources seemingly unmatched among the legions like the military industrial complex and are very big on secrecy and would hate for you to learn about the fallen. They were sent to take on the toughest tasks the Imperium had to offer that the Iron Warriors weren’t taking care of and were called “The Emperor’s Exterminators” as an alternate nickname. In all honesty I mostly chose Army here because they are the Black Knights and fit better than UCF or Rutgers out of knight teams and didn’t have a better answer. Oh, someone named Asmodai wants to speak to me for saying the word fallen…….
Second - [REDACTED]
Emperor’s Children - Texas
The Emperor’s Children are all about perfection in all things and uplifted their deathworld of Chemos to a paradise. Hailing from the modern hellscape of a city that is Austin, TX the Longhorns believe themselves the definition of perfection while in reality failing to be so. They are prone to excess spending of cash and care about traditional hierarchy of CFB when they were truly relevant and fully back. At their best Fulgrim, their Primarch, and his legion balance their pursuit of perfection and style with substance, but also often can be lacking in the latter. Incredibly talented and gifted, this legion and team can be the best or just a shell of their potential because accolades and attention matter more than anything to them. Guess you could also say they’re horny boys……… I’ll see myself out.
Iron Warriors - Purdue
Do you like offense, iron, trains with daemon spirits inside them, competency, never being appreciated for your work, engineering, being constantly underestimated, and being motivated out of pure spite to ruin everyone’s day? This is the legion for you. This is the easiest call by far, and one I did not even consider changing. Iron Warriors have similar colors and are all about siege warfare and being on the offensive against great defense. Criminally underestimated, the Iron Warriors can show up and dumpster anyone at anytime if needed very unexpectedly. As masters of engineering they dreamed of creating amazing things, but instead got depressing and soul crushing work instead and never got thanked for it. They embody an indomitable spirit unmatched amongst the legions, but in pursuit of harder challenges to sate their desire and feel accomplishment they only grew bitter. Purdue is this to the B1G. The Iron Warriors are fueled by spite and hatred and have war engines like trains they bind daemons to and use as cannon fodder. Purdue Pete would be an Iron Warrior. From iron cometh strength! From strength cometh will! From will cometh faith! From faith cometh honour! From honour cometh iron! Iron Within! Iron Without!
White Scars - Kansas State
Known for having little to no acclaim or attention all while achieving great things, the White Scars hail from the expansive plains of Chogoris and are the underrated legion known for competence and practicality and are pretty much Space Mongols. Kansas State much like the White Scars, have great achievements but receive little attention and Kansas could probably be mistaken for Chogoris. Are they a clear top tier team / legion? No, but they’ve overcome expectations and achieved much more than most would have ever predicted from them.
Space Wolves - Minnesota
The space wolves are Vikings in space who really like wolves. They hail from a frozen death world of Fenris and love to sail and fish and get drunk while telling great sagas of their triumphs. Minnesota has connections to Norse culture and may have had Vikings there at one point, it’s really cold in the winter, has a population that loves to drink, and they love to go on boats and row them. The saga of the Space Wolves had them as a dominant and feared force known as the rout and one point and the Gophers were a superpower in CFB landscape once upon a time. Often considered a sleeping giant but kinda not living up to their past is where they currently are.
Imperial Fists - Iowa
The Imperial Fists are masters of fortification and defense and also about as entertaining as looking at a field in Iowa. They come from a world of insane weather and brutal cold with stoic people with deep seated depression and rage similar to that of Iowans shown by prolific emo and metal scene the state has produced. With colors of black and yellow, a home base they move around because they don’t want to be where they’re from, and you have a pretty spot-on equivalent to Iowa football. Like Iowa’s defense you love to have them on your team, but you probably don’t want to be them.
Night Lords - LSU
My favorite legion, hailing from the sunless world of Nostromo, are masters of fear and just straight up criminals. They’re led by Konrad Curze who is like if Vlad the Impaler shopped at hot topic and had the mental health of Rasputin and Black Beard combined. They’re pretty much a group of extremely criminal versions of Batman. LSU is in the state with highest incarceration rate in the world and they love the night while also being known for sense of humor. Once upon a time, the 8th legion’s presence would bring entire systems to compliance out of fear, and LSU at their best strikes fear in the heart of any other program. AVE DOMINUS NOX!
Blood Angels - Texas A&M
Hailing from the death world of Baal, the Blood Angels are definitely not vampires in a cult and have a ton of money around them and are extremely insecure and worried others will see them for who they are. Similar in nature to the Blood Angels, Texas A&M lacks true substance while getting a lot of attention. Regularly mentioned in contention top tier, but in reality, both are a significant step below the truly elite of their given sphere and fans are in denial of this. Both are characterized and talked about how much potential they have, and then thus just kinda suck and get memed on by everyone else. Cue A&M fans commenting to me about recent history against Arkansas in response.
Iron Hands - Georgia Tech
Do you like engineering and also not being relevant and regularly getting beat up? Well, this is the legion / team for you. I don’t have much else to say here because not a whole lot going on with either. Ferrus deserved better. I actually really like the Iron Hands and they’re probably my favorite loyalist legion, but they’re mostly an afterthought lore wise outside of being important to Emperor’s Children incredible story arc.
11th - [REMOVED BY ORDER OF THE INQUISITION]
World Eaters - Arkansas
Did I just pick my first 40k army as my primary flair team and rooting interest? Yes, but I have reasons pretty in depth as to why. On the surface the World Eaters are raging berserkers who have lost all sense of reason and are frothing at the mouth animals with no redeeming qualities except for capacity for utter destruction much say like feral hogs. Once you look into them further is where similarities fully occur. The 12th are the legion that most personified martial brotherhood and are arguably the most united legion despite their broken nature and failure, similarly the state of Arkansas is this with the Hogs. We are loyal and love our team, while realizing we probably never will get the big W or be the best but we’re proud and love our team anyways. Add the fact Arkansas is most known football style wise for running at people and beating them up and we were red which the blood god Khorne loves and we got a lot in common. Arkansas and the World Eaters run at problems and try our best to pummel them, knowing we often lose but we still do it and at times are your worst possible nightmare to face when things align. We also have slogans that stand out in Woo Pig and BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!
Ultramarines - Michigan
The blueberry boy scouts are the poster child for 40k and often incorrectly seen as “the good legion” when that doesn’t exist in 40k. They wear blue and gold and talk about how great they are and their culture while being pretty boring in actuality and just kinda win everything. Ultramarines are incredibly by the book to the point others know exactly what they will do and it’s going pretty bad with hungry bugs right now with Robert Gorillaglue having ultradepression. Ultramarines are also the largest legion, and Michigan has the largest stadium so seems like a good fit to me.
Death Guard - Georgia
Down with the sickness and followers of the Chaos god of pestilence and decay, the Death Guard are disgustingly resilient and have nearly impenetrable defense, while being able to lay siege at a high level while laughing and making jokes and inflicting despair on those who face them. They are bringers of despair an…
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