This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/cfb by /u/zibby42 on 2024-03-06 16:07:34.
- Zip (shoe)
Did you know that a zip is a shoe? And not even a real shoe. A zip is that rubber shoe you put over your nice shoes in the winter so they don’t get snow and salt all over them. The only thing a zip could do to me is try to place itself in my way and hope I trip over it. I’m a huge klutz, but even I wouldn’t get hurt by tripping over a zip. I could easily pick up a zip and dump it into a garbage can and there’s nothing it could do to stop me.
- Cardinal
Cardinals are teeny, tiny birds with teeny, tiny beaks. I don’t think they even have talons. And contrary to popular opinion, cardinals do not have teeth. A cardinal might be able to draw some blood especially if it goes after my eyes, but if it gets that close, I can grab and squeeze it to death with one hand.
- Husky
Huskies are big, furry goofballs who like to run around in the snow, pull sleds and give high fives. And that’s it’s weakness. I’ll just pretend I’m going for a high five and take that doggo down.
- Bull
Bulls are actually gentle, refined creatures who appreciate beauty and culture. The reason why bulls appear so fierce is because people agitate them before bullfights and bull riding contests. They also hate the color red and underwear. So here’s my strategy: wear royal blue, go commando and don’t mention Maurice Linguist. I’ll take the bull to The Steer, get him nice and drunk then head over to Mighty Taco for as many veggie burritos as he can eat. After the bull passes out, I’ll declare victory.
- Bronco
Broncos are big and wild and bite. This ain’t no petting zoo pony. But still, I think I’ve got this. All I have to do is not sit on its back. Broncos hate that. I’ll just come up to the bronco, offer it some hay and oats and sugar cubes and then while it’s distracted, give it one solid punch. Horses have glass jaws.
- Falcon
Now we’re starting to get into danger territory. Falcons can be up to two feet long and dive at 200 miles per hour. And they definitely have talons. But they do have a weakness: those leather hoods they like to wear. I’m going to have to go full Road Warriors on the falcon: jump him before the bell rings and defeat him before he knows the fight has even started.
- Redhawk
Another freaking bird? Hawks are even bigger than falcons but they don’t fly as fast and they don’t wear hoods. This would definitely be a tough fight if this were a normal hawk. But this is a Miami Redhawk, so this will take special strategy. All I have to do is get the wrong vintage of some obscure French red wine and then pair the wrong cheese with it. This will so distract and disorient the Miami Redhawk, he’ll be easy to scoop up into a cage.
- Eagle
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FREAKING BIRDS IN THIS CONFERENCE? Blah Blah beaks, Blah Blah talons. Blah Blah Blah.
- Zip (Kangaroo)
Akron decided that having a fake rubber shoe as a mascot wasn’t stupid enough, so they decided to add a creature that only lives 10,000 miles away as a mascot. Kangaroos are actually pretty badass. They have razor sharp claws and they kick and they really hate parachutists. So fine, I’ll have to walk into the arena. Kangaroos do have a problem similar to broncos, it takes only one punch to win the fight.
- Bobcat
I’m assuming that this is an actual bobcat and not just a cat named Bob. Bobcats have teeth and claws but they’re not very big. They usually go after rodents, not humans. I’m just going to have to get down and dirty with this bobcat. It’s going to scratch and bite the hell out of me, but I’m way bigger and should be able to subdue it.
- Chippewa
Finally, I get to fight another human! How this goes depends on who the Chippewas send out to fight me. If it’s a blackjack dealer, it wouldn’t be so bad. I know basic blackjack strategy. I’ll lose money slowly, but I’ll get free drinks. But, if the Chippewas send out a warrior to fight me, I’m in big trouble. A Chippewa warrior would no doubt kick my white ass for taking his land and making him live on a reservation. If it’s a warrior I have to fight, I’ll do what white people have always done to Indians: make a promise I have no intention of keeping.
- Minuteman
A dude with a gun? This doesn’t look good for me unless it’s an 18th century dude with an 18th century gun. It’s probably a single-shot muzzle-loader, which are notoriously inaccurate. All I have to do is wait for him to fire and then charge him before he can reload. If it’s a fist fight, I think I can beat a minuteman. He probably has scurvy and rickets and smallpox and won’t put up much of a fight. As long as he blunders with that blunderbuss, I think I can beat a minuteman.
- Golden Flash
Another fucking bird? And this isn’t an ordinary bid. It’s a LIGHTNING BIRD. The golden flash could just fly high above me firing lightning bolts at me. The only chance I’d have is if it swooped down low enough for me to grab. If I had to fight a golden flash, I would be well and truly fucked.
- Rocket
What the fuck am I supposed to do to a rocket? I definitely need to keep as much distance as I can from the rocket and then dive out of the way after it blasts off. Then I’ll have to get up quickly and get away from the gases and flames. And that’s just to get a draw in this fight. If this fight is in a small, enclosed space, I have no shot.